tea-rex tea-shirt

my first t-shirt design. i would appreciate it if you'd check it out and tell your friends. that is, as long as your friends like dinosaurs, handlebar moustaches, tea, england, monocles, top hats, pocket watches, awesomeness, and me. if not, you dont have to tell them.

fun translations and new restaurants

pparently there is a new asian restaurant coming to a place near me, and they sent us their menu/flyer detailing their grand opening (10% off!). and all of their thai food has meat. literally every single dish. that is not the spirit of thai food. but more importantly, some key phrases. things they want you to definitely know.


"We use microwave containers for you take out Convenience"

convenience is very important.

right above this they also have the letters MSG inside a red circle with a slash through it. no MSG here. and then an awesome graphic on either a boy or a girl in a tiny tiny car holding up a rotary telephone that does not plug into anything. i am not sure what that is supposed to convey. perhaps they also have androgynous hooligans selling hot antiquated electronics out of the trunks of clown cars. in which case. i am there.

but the best part ever is their little tagline:

"Good New! We Severs Fine Asian Food in Ocean Township over 10 Years. Now We Invited to Open Branch in Lincrofe to Happy Sever Community."


new is good! and its fine that you are sever asian food. you gotta cut food before you can eat it. but wait? where's lincrofe? perhaps they mean lincroft. and you are happy to SEVER THE COMMUNITY? is that a threat? or a drive towards civil war? i am not sure. it makes me nervous.

what i do know is that no matter what their flyer says i guarantee i will eat there.
if i can find a non meat dish..

socks hate wooden stairs

socks are the devil
and uncarpeted stairs are the devil

we all keep saying, oh we should carpet the stairs so snowie doesnt slip. fair enough. she slips a lot if she tries to go upstairs. so she pretty mcuh stopped going upstairs. granted shes not supposed to be ther e in the first place. but i have to go upstairs. and downstairs.

its the down thats usually the problem if you recall my ankle sprain in england. anyway. i am not having a good day.

i was trying to get ready to settle down and do all the hw i have since thurs is really my olnly free day. for this i need all my books and my laptop

so thats how i fell down the stairs while carring my laptop and a bag full of books. apparently when you wear socks on wooden stairs you sign a contact allowing you to fall on many bony parts of your body and have your dog mock you.

so i fall. hard. let's remember i am tall, and this was a slip fall, thus my feet were just gone all of the sudden, and i was carrying a laptop. that's expensive. and we know i dont drop things if i am falling. so i held on as i fell. it froze, but seems to working fine. (though perhaps i should remember in the future that hospital bills are probably more expensive than anything i might drop)

so here i am clutching a laptop lying motionless on the floor in pain and the thenres snowie. she is a little peeved at my sudden appearance on the rug she sleeps on. she may very well have been sleeping at the time i so rudely and inconsiderately loudly slammed myself down in her hallway, disturbing her rest.

she had least had the common decency to feign concern by woofing once and sniffing my face about 5 minutes into my lying there. my eyes were squeezed shut as i do when i silently repeat 'ow' in my head until the ouch goes away for the most part, so i could see the smug look on her face when she decided she had had enough of my dramatics. and when i say dramatics i mean my lying there not making noise or moving. not terribly dramatic actually.

so she decides i am not dead. then she stops sniffing. and she literally kicks me in the face. not once. no. twice. kicks me. my own dog. kicks me while i am down. she then leaves the room and woofs loudly so she can go out in the rain and then whine some more to me about how its raining.

i hate my life.

on the cat-walk

Today i had a very moving experience. It was one of those things that for some reason you just feel like you have to share with everyone. like every person in the world should experience this and you wish you could all experience it together. perhaps in a perfect world this is what would happen, but as we know my life does not constitute perfect. or worldly.

Here's what happened:

I had a Dr's appointment today. they called me yesterday to inform me i had this appointment. BUT when i called last week because they simply stopped refilling my prescription (that's generally their kind and courteous way of telling me it's time for another appointment), they mentioned nothing of the sort. in fact, i was told that since i hadn't been there since 08, i must schedule a new appointment, the earliest being oct 16. she also preceded this with 'well of course they wont refill it. you haven't been here since 08. i guess you need an appointment . but you're NOT GOING TO LIKE IT." (wtf?) i 'd also like to point out that this is medicine i have been taking for like 5 years, so really, what do they think has changed? they just want my 90 bucks (thanks for not taking health insurance!). so then she schedules me for this one, and proceeds to call me to remind me of an appt i apparently already had scheduled. unfortunately i had work and class and did not find this out til post 5pm. so i had to call in work and say i was goingto be late or these people were going to charge me for the appt anyway and blah blah.

i was annoyed.

but i went. because i need me some drugs. the doctor's great. just his administrative people are less than stellar. but anyway. the whole ordeal left me annoyed. BUT WAIT.

here's the interesting part of what happened:

i go to walk out the main door of the building only to find that i might hit a woman with the door. so i slowly open it and say excuse me. lady turns around to look at me and my eyes look from her eyes to her hand to the leash she was holding to the HUGE CAT ON THE LEASH.

let's talk about this. I say excuse me to woman. woman mumbles something seemingly friendly. i cannot ignore the fact that this short ish, mid 40s woman is holding a leash that is attached to a collar that is around the neck of a fat fat fatty cat. in a parking lot. outside an office building.

how did this woman come to be here? why is this cat tolerating the fact that it is leashed? i did not think cats stood for that sort of shenangins.

seeing as i cannot just ignore this ..this .. miracle? is that what it is? i just don't know what else i could call it. So i say ' my! what a well-trained cat! i've never seen a cat on a leash before. i didn't know they would tolerate it'. to which my new friend replied by telling me the cat was 15 years old. i am not sure if that was supposed to be an answer to my comment, or simply a fun fact.

all of this was done while i was still moving and walking away towards my car. by the time i get to my car i see her strolling this cat over to what is presumably her friend's/ family member's/lover's car. but now she is weaving through the parked cars slowly, and SINGING to her cat. i am not sure what. but she is roving through a big parking lot, cat on a leash, singing.

america.

that right there is just the heart and soul of america. and i am honored to have been part of it. i wish them well. they seemed like a nice, if slightly unique, pair.

as i explained previously, this was a moment i felt i needed to share. and if you were so lucky (or unlucky depending on how much you like or dislike my asinine commentary on life) you may have recieved a text message about this beautiful moment.

here are some of my replies that i think are quite telling of both me and the content of many of these blog posts, i hope the author's don't mind:

Tony: " :) your life has so many bright spots"
Simone: "hahaha thats great, you always run into the best people"
Jenn : "I wish you were actually being taped for candid camera in that moment so i could see the look on your face when she began to sing. or just looking at the cat"
Danielle: "Dear lord, thats amazing. Only could happen in your life though"

clearly my friends agree that things like this happen to me in order to somehow improve my life. fate. glorious glorious cat on a leash fate.



video: apparently lots of people put cats on leashes. wtf cats. you should all be ashamed.

tornado watch? really nj?

" ITS RAININ' SIDEWAYS!"


I see it has been a while since i last posted. which is odd because i feel like i have had many many stories i have been meaning to write here. hopefully i will catch up. not to mention my ongoing quest of transcribing my journal from last years european adventure. but today i had an interest life experience. one of those things that really make you grow as a person i think. let me tell you this tale.

i wake up to my schnauzer alarm clock. it's been quite unbelievable lately. her internal clock is essentially lined up to wake me up 15 minutes before my internal clock and external alarm clock tell me its time to drag myself out of bed. at first i thought perhaps she just wanted to announce it was raining, but then when i stumbled downstairs all squinty eyed and yawny, she actually went outside when i opened the door. there was thunder and everything.. she was legit.

i then get ready, my lights flashing the whole time i am in the shower. i smartly (aka lazily) decided that it was not important to really dry my hair as it was raining and i might get wet (future insane understatement). i drive to work at brookdale, and decide against every instinct in me that i should choose to park close to my building on campus rather than park in the super far lot and be bribed by the free coffee they are handing out there to entice students and faculty to use that lot. parking is insane there. apparently community colleges are really on the rise. obama is all about it.

so .no free things. sigh. not that i really even like coffee that much. but i could have filled up my free mug with free coffee. so i park in the close lot, sorely missing my potential free potables... and then i close my door and go to get my umbrella. but whats this? oh! my window is down. all the way.

perhaps i should have told you. my car window is broken. it broke a few weeks ago, when pretty much everything in my life went wrong for a week. it just decided to not go back up. but it costs at least 200 dollars to fix because apparently they have to take apart the whole door. thats poor. thats just poor planning. i would have planned better. so since its breaking, you might catch me casually stepping out of my car, locking it, and then casually taking a Fonz like hand and giving the window a swift lift where it generally stays up until i start driving again (note: it is so stupid to lock it since all you have to do is poke the window and you can essentially walk into the big gaping hole that creates and steal all my cds, directions, atlases, strange wooden jewelry, pennies, pens that don't work, and library books...more on the strange things i keep in my car later. they'd have to pop the trunk to get to the oversized polyester khaki pants (not even mine), childrens coloring book, and bagged container of motor oil that i keep in a shoebox).

it's been slightly annoying driving with your window slowly rolling down on its own. particularly when you are driving to CT and throws off your hearing and does some weird helicopter noise type reverb that makes your head want to explode.

however, its a bit of a problem when it rolls down while in the parking lot of your workplace during a rainstorm. i'm sorry. thunderstorm. or as i will find out shortly thereafter in a text TORNADO WATCH. (WTF THIS IS NJ WHY WHY WHY.) i think, no problem. i'll just fonz it. so i shove it up and am about to 'heeeeyyyyy' when it just immediately slides back down. this happens three more times. balls. on the last try i manage to coerce it into staying up juuustt long enough for me to walk away from it going ' oh its staying up i fixed it out of my hands just ignore don't turn around don't look at just go inside'.

so i am slightly wet by the time i get into work. i am immediately told there are free bagels in the kitchen. i still get excited. which means everyone else gets so excited. they fight to see who can be the first to tell me when there is free food just so they can see my original excitement. but this was SERIOUS. i say NO i cannot eat this food now. there are real problems to be had. and of course they all stop what they are doing and get immediately overconcerned. like 'omg someone is hurt' concerned. because i didnt immediately run to the food. i think this tells a lot about me as a person.

they all band together to get me tape and they offer plastic. luckily i also keep one of those dress cover plastic bags in my trunk o fun, so i was all set. they wish me well and i go out into the storm.

the window was miraculously still up, that is, until i opened another door to try to fix it. down it slides. quite quickly acutally. so i just laughed. nearly maniacally. so i have my plan: tape the inside of the window on the top and sides so it stays up, then tape the plastic around the inside just in case. i take a lot of time to do all of this. and it looks quite beautiful and classy. then i get out the other back door being pretty proud of my awesome work. go around the other side, and see that the whole window has rolled down again.

balls.

this has to be done from the outside now. mind you it is literally raining sideways now. i didnt need ollie williams to tell me so.

so here i am trying to hold my umbrella, hold up this rather slippery window of death, hold the tape dispenser, rip the tape, and tape the window to the door frame, when some kid drives by with his stupid flat brimmed sideways yankees hat. he slows down, puts his blinker on, and starts to look at me like he is annoyed that i am not pulling out.

omg kid.

CLEARLY I AM NOT BACKING OUT. MY LIGHTS ARE NOT ON. MY CAR IS NOT ON. I AM NOT IN MY CAR. I AM PHYSICALLY HOLDING A WINDOW. I HAVE A HUGE TAPE DISPENSER HELD BETWEEN MY KNEES. I AM TRYING TO HOLD AN UMBRELLA IN MY ELBOW PIT. MY PLASTIC WINDOW IS BILLOWING IN THE POSSIBLE FUTURE TORNADO WINDS. GET OFF MY BACK.

so i just politely look up from my labors, politely smile, politely shake my head, and gesture with my tape dispenser, that despite what it looks like, i am not, in fact, leaving so he can have my spot.

just go to parking lot one, get your free coffee, and chill the eff out. OR GET OUT OF YOUR CAR AND HOLD THIS WINDOW.

he did not hold the window. but he did give me a dirty look when he left.

i manage to get this window back up with the use of patience, gentle hands, and and a lot of backing away slowly saying while silently encouraging the car.

by this point i have just abandoned the idea of the umbrella. i go back into the office and its like i just returned from the war. OH MY GOD people yell . WHAT HAPPENED to you? you are soaked!

i then inform them that is raining

but didnt you have an umbrella? why didnt you have an umbrella? look at you! why didn't you ask for help? frank would have helped you? i would have helped you! i got your back. you porr thing! your pants are soaked to the knees! did it work? how is it? oh my god. OH THE HUMANITY!

i sighed. wetly. pushed the dampened hair out of my eyeballs. squeaked my rain boots. 'i've done everything i can. it's all up to the window now. all we can do is wait.'

the room grew tense. they quieted down. they knew what i had to do.

i squish my way up the stairs. the wet pants slapping against my boots. my umbrella clicking as i drag it up the stairs dejectedly. i take off my trenchcoat feeling like i have just lost an epic battle, and drape it on my cubicle.

then i did the only thing i could do. i stumbled over to the staff kitchen and drowned my sorrows in free bagels. there wasn't much drowning left to do. i was very wet.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
BUT WAIT! unlike most of life, this story has a happy ending! i get back out to my car to find out that my repair job held up fantastically! and there was never a tornado! i even press my luck and decide to try to drive it over to the other building where the computer lab for my Desktop Publishing class is...and it stayed! isn't that great? oh wait. i still have to pay 200 dollars this weekend to get it fixed.

ok so it was an almost happy ending. at least the water didnt get it and make it all mildewy. then we'd have a repeat of the poor plymouth neon and the stench o death. more on that later.

i think we should all take a moment and marvel at the importance of windows that work. I bet this never would have happned in the neon. not when you physically crank the window up and down. sigh. i miss that little tyke.

friday night at the molskis

Odd Happenings from friday evening:

precursor to the story:
If you know grandpa tony giglio at all, you may know of his garage. Sometimes gramps brings us random gifts, most from the garage. One day he gave me a birdcage music box that did not work. Another day, vintage free batman comics that I believe were an extra from burger king meals. Sometimes its just old books or ancient plumbing tools.granted sometimes its candy and wonderful things.
Usually I thoroughly enjoy all of these, but one of these gifts was different. .. scary actually. he gifted us two creepy fairy lawn ornament sculptures. One is sitting cross legged and raising her arms all the way, wings spread. The other is doing something equally odd that I don’t recall. Both are terrifying. I assure you.
Scott has kept them on the steps of the basement. They frighten me every time I try to go downstairs to get toilet paper or art supplies. I think they might be possessed. And the following just strengthens my worries:

(Scratch scratch scratch)
“what is that noise? Is that the dog? “ – anita
“is she ripping something?” – scott
“oh maybe”
“hmm.. maybe she’s attacking the fairy”- scott
though joking, scott went to investigate. He walks slowly into the foyer. Looks at her and walks back with the news:
“yes. She is definitely attacking the fairy. She is scratching it. I think she is going crazy. Snowie are you going crazy? Yes? Yes. She is going crazy. I think sometimes she goes crazy”- scott says all of this, looking somewhat crazy himself.
I walk over, pat her on the head, and say “good dog”. I knew something was wrong with those creepy fairies. And I am glad my trusty watch-schnauzer is trying to slap their concrete fairy grins off their creepy fairy faces. I think it will be a long and drawn out battle. ten minutes later we hear telltale scratching.
‘she’s attacking the fairy again.”

I tried to take a photo, but alas it was too dark. she's a good, smart dog. and those fairies are the devil. I think I should have put those things outside. I bet she will wake up and flip out and try to eat it and then she will need to go to the bathroom in the rain. If you ever read this blog, you know how she feels about rain. That’s just a whole other dilemma.


Since we are speaking of rain. And by we I mean I . and by speaking I mean writing....

Today my brother and I were upstairs looking out a window. Why we were in the same room standing next to each other looking out the same window, I cannot recall. However, that is the setting, so that’s how it must be.
scott looked out the window first and casually said 'hey is that part of our house?" the same unaffected tone you would use for ‘hey do you know what’s for dinner?”
I took this as a cue to look around, using the context clues from the question of course. I look down on the lawn and see what appears to be a large chunk of siding.
I consider it for a moment. Then i simply state "yes. Yes it is"
unconcerned silence for a minutes..
“shall we go investigate?” -scott asks
“yes. Yes we shall”
I was already wet from heroically saving the tomato plant that had been knocked over (“but its so hearty!”) so I just slapped on some flip flops and headed out.

We looked at the siding shrapnel. said yup. Siding. Then started a new fun game called ‘ where did this piece of a house come from?’ Some of the rules are determining whether or not to be concerned, get a bucket, get a tarp, or cry. We scanned the house. it took a while to find it… but i won. “ HA! There it is! I win! Big chunk over my room of course. How lovely. And potentially moist.”
First of all, it's all mangled and looks like a giant just got pissed at us and ripped it off for some people beating. Then upon seeing some kind of hornets or spiders nest ( OMG THAT’S WHERE THEY ALL COME FROM) he uttered a big giant eeeeeww and tossed it away rapidly in digust as though it were full of bees and spiders ( WHICH IT PROBABLY WAS).

When I decided finally that this was most likely not the case, I move onto my second, much more likely theory. Someone simpy seized the day. They carpe diemed, if you will.

“AH HA!” thinks vengeful neighbor, “ a crazy end of the world storm! What a perfect way to get rid of my strange mangled pointy nailed bit of siding. Instead of taking it to the dump I am going to run through the raindrops and toss it on the molski’s lawn. That little white dog has barked at me one too many times. I think that dog might be crazy.sometimes she goes crazy. And I cannot believe they put those effin creepy fairy statues out. Right after they got rid of the old gutted Porsche that was tied to a tree in the backyard. WELL. THIS will show em."

(heave. Clunk.)

"Now they will go crazy spending hours trying to find where this piece came from. After circling the house 54 times pulling their hair out, they will then give up, deem the house structurally unsound and unfit to live in, and take that yappy dog and move away!”

Unfortunately I think the real reason this happened was cause it was windy. I know that seems like a very outlandish explanation, but I hope you can use the imagination to stretch it.

Also regarding rain and stretching. boy my segues are awesome. almost as awesome as the segway that is the silly personal transporatation device.

Ray was discussing how scary the storm that he drove through to get dinner was. We said we were worried and were going to call, but we knew he wouldn’t have his cell phone. Since he never does. Everyone in the following conversation is entirely straight faced, deadpan and serious.

Scott tries to reason with ray for safety reasons, and proposes this scenario:
"what if you got hit by lightening and couldn't get out of the car? you should bring a cell phone."

Well ray has that figured out : "i would jump out the window,” he says.

Scott looks at him in slightly concerned disbelief, and presses him further:."you really think you're going to leap out of the car? you?" scott asks incredulously.

without even pausing to think, ray simply states: “I would dive out. Yes." and then he finishes up with
‘”so you fall on your face and mess it up. oh well. I would dive out of that car”.

There it is folks. Next time the circus is in town keep an eye out for 'old man' ray ‘ car diver’ molski

also just found that there was some sort of hoax about jeff goldblums death. Thank god I was too busy to notice it til its already been fixed. NOT FUNNY WORLD

Tuesdays with Louie

I knew it from the moment i heard him utter those three little words:

"jerry springer ok?"

this was going to be a long and interesting wait here at R and S Strauss.

you see, my oil needed to be changed. badly. and i have an oil leak. but like my parents did, we can just ignore that for the time being until the leak just becomes a hole one day and my oil all leaks out causing my engine to shoot cylinders through my dashboard and into my face. at least that's what scott says will happen.

i was also informed that my oil was supposed to be changed oh you know 8 THOUSAND miles ago. but it's cool. no worries. i have a chevrolet malibu. and it can withstand all.

so i walk into the auto repair center, speak to the man at the counter requesting an oil change, and a tire rotation. i decided to just wait there instead of try to convince someone to drop me off and pick me up, since oil changes generally do not take that long.

that was my first mistake.

my second mistake was walking into the waiting room when there was only one other person there. so our choices were: sit awkwardly in silence for the duration, or create some form of small talk that then has to be kept up until someone is relieved by the auto worker telling them their car is ready.

this is when i met lou. he was the man sitting in the waiting room. lou was the one who asked me if jerry springer was ok. i, being pretty much british, just said yes of course, yes whatever you were watching is fine.

to which he replied oh you know i just .. it was just on when i turned on the tv you know. and i said its ok. i have a book.

he then informed me he had been there since 7am. it was now 1130am. i then informed myself after a thorough search of my purse, that i did not in fact have a book. oh dear.

the following hour and half was passed in deep discussion with Lou.

let me tell you a little bit about lou. he had 80s style glasses, was wearing a sweatsuit. overweight, but overall kind and jolly. lou is a cab driver in new jersey. lou likes puns. lou likes to tell dirty jokes and make racial slurs. lou also claims to have invented the three player chess board.

lou and i talked. we laughed. i cried. it was like a lifetime movie. except with way more dirty jokes

he started off slow. we discussed being a cab driver/ limo driver. lou asked me where i lived when i asked him if he had to pass some kind of test to be a cab driver. (the answer is no...cabbies here i come!) so i told him the street i lived on. i dont think you are supposed to do that. but its ok. lou's engine is smoking and his drivers side door won't open so he has to climb in the passenger side. therefore, lou would have a difficult time following me home and murdering me if that was in fact his intention. and i do not think it was. he was a nice guy. and did help pass the time.

he also told me several jokes. some dirty. some clean. apparently when passengers get in sometimes he says' do you like music?' and they say 'yeah!' and then he says 'too bad my radios broken.' OH SNAP . then he says ' nah i am joking. here is a cd picked out just for you. and then i take it out and show them yusuf islam and they are like who is that?

YUSUF ISLAM

NO WAY

this is when lou and i talked about cat stevens. he seemed very pleased that i was a huge cat stevens fan. then he told me about how he has a guitar and wishes he had it with him so he could play all the cat stevens songs he knew. then he sang a few bars and air guitared them just for the effect.

it was beautiful

later on lou told me that we are all made of stardust. i checked to see if we were smoking lots of pot at the time of this conversation. we weren't.

he told me about how he met jennifer connelly. and told me all the woes of inventing a three player chess board. someone once offered lout one thousand dollars for the plywood prototype. He is NOT joking! he makes that very clear.

then he showed me a picture of him and his friend and the guy who once played scotty on the old tv star trek all holding the tri chess board. he said he was trying to get it on tv as a prop. i said
scotty didnt like it? and he very sternly said, well he had not say in the matter. touchy subject. we moved on.

this time to a few dumb blonde jokes (i have a lot of dumb blonde jokes but i dont want to offend you, he says. i just respond with, well my hairs more light brown)

he tells me a joke i should tell my day (since i told him my dad also liked puns). for this joke he made me come closer to him because 'there's a black guy right there and i dont want him to hear it..' then he tells it. then says 'its not racist because i heard a black comic say it'

life lessons friends.

we moved onto tshirts. lou wants to make tshirts that play off the 'have a nice day' line.

here are just a few :
chinese restaurant- have a rice day
hockey players- have an ice day
gamblers- have a dice day
pizza shop- have a slice day
people who make soup (????) - have a spice day
cats (yes)- have a mice day

and oh so many more. then i mentioned scotts gangster themed tshirts. to which he responded 'maybe i should get your number in case me and my friend want to make shirts with you guys'

um.

problem

so i say. well i thikn scotts moved on to writing a movie. then luckily we got a new friend, ed.

ed had a great goatee with an amazing moustache. ed also had nice shoes. he was definitely a hippy at one point. he was also there for an oil change. soon lou talked to ed and introduced me to ed. then lou and ed talked about models and girls taking clothes off for a little.

ed then told a story about how he essentially insulted karen carpenter of the the carpenters by saying the new drummer is better than her. she was standing behind him and smacked him in the head and said thanks a lot. i liked that story better than the earlier one where the word playboy was dropped a few times.

lou decided he had to go to the bathroom, so it was me and ed. it was a little awtkward without lou actually. clearly he was the glue that held this group together and it wasnt going to be one of those things where i could hang out with ed without lou. which is a shame because ed is a really nice guy, we just couldnt find enough to talk about.

then i was saved as the guy at the counter called my name for my dismisall. i bid ed good luck and walked out of the waiting room. which almost felt like it had become my new home. it was bittersweet. i payed , signed the slip, wondering if lou would be back in time to tell me just one last dirty joke. i took one look back and walked out the door , never to see my two new best friends again. i just dont think anyone will ever tell me a joke about a nun being raped the way lou did...

and to think all i really had to do was drive to elizabeth to the dacosta car place, and hang out with tony dacosta for an hour. that would have probably been a better decision

but then how would i find out we were all made of stardust?

schnauzer ponders precipitation

ah so it is has been a while. and i certainly have better stories to write about. but i am in the mood to write now. so i shall speak with you about the importance of considering a dog's views on precipitation if you are going to be purchasing one.





for example. i have read that schnauzers tend to love snow and hate rain.





what a silly fact, you think. why put that in any dog book? all anyone needs to know is if the new dog will eat your babies or smother you with smelly doggy kisses, right?





WRONG. you are so wrong. i can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are.





sure princess snowflake von molski is a barrel of laughs and a snout full of snow in the winter. but what happens when it becomes springtime? when the rain falls at the rate of my allergy-induced sneezes?





well then she becomes totally irrational. a crazed creature who holds her pee until 11 pm. you try to let her out before you go upstairs. she refuses politely at the time. you then go upstairs and prepare for bed. the minute your head hits the pillow, she woofs once. you freeze. too nervous to even breathe. she woofs annoyingly for a while. where after each woof, she pauses long enough for you to think, 'ah ok she's calmed down. no cause for concern here,' only to woof again louder and more urgently each time to startle you out of your false sense of woof-free security.





so , you, being the responsible dog owner you are ( and being one averse to ear splitting schnauzy barks), get out of bed and go downstairs to try to placate the beast.


'hello snowie. it's raining,' you inform her. she looks at you like you just slapped her in the nose, 'wha??' she mouths, dejectedly, 'that can't be right. i don't believe you. let me see this for myself, you tall dolt'. 'yes of course, princess von molski,' you reply worriedly, knowing the wrath that would ensue.





then you slowly open the door, and allow her a glimpse. you see a gentle rain on a spring evening. the schnauzer sees her life flash before her eyes as she stares into this horrific, watery, windy HELL. "MY GOD!," she seems to say. " OH THE HUMANITY!" she mutters under her schnauzer-y beard (don't mention the beard, it insults her femininity) . "THIS CANNOT BE!" she peaks her head out, gets splashed with some watery shrapnel, turns and runs, without looking back.





"fine." i say. "i tried snowie. there is nothing i can do for you now. you are out of luck. this is why you should have peed earlier. remember this. i am going to sleep"





"yes yes ,fine whatever" says the little white dog, shaking her head as if it would erase the horrors she had just seen. (more on my theory of etch-a-sketch based brains in canines later).





only after i go upstairs and lay down again, does she realize, ' oh my god i am a dog and i have to pee so bad and i have to pee outside.' she elucidates this to me by clearing her throat and stating ' woof.'





since you are a light sleeper, you trudge down the stairs again, determined once and for all to make her face her fears so you can sleep. 'hello again, little dog' you say all squinty eyed with slight contempt, and less slight sleepiness. 'let's get this done bitch.' (no no. dont worry. its not profanity. its truth. vocab you see). she closes her eyes, sighs, and agrees. she then lifts her eyebrows and looks at me, then at the door 'i'm ready,' she states. you then open the door and give an encouraging, yet frantic ' GO GO GO GO GO GO' in hopes that she will get so confused and pumped up that she will just run into the rain before she knew what hit her. unfortunately, she figured out very quickly what hit her. and she said " RAIN. OMG' and ran back inside and woofed as if this were my fault.





aha! i think. i shall fool her by letting her out the front door. she wont understand. she'll be so excited about the new territory that surely she will go to the bathroom. 'snowie! want to go out the front? oh wow it will be ever so much fun! you can see if anyone else is out there and maybe bark at them! and you can smell things! and you can pee everywhere and then go to sleep!'





her brown eyes light up: ' the front! yeah! super cool!' she runs out, practically skipping, then skids to a halt right before going down the porch steps. "waait a minute... THIS IS A TRICK!" she yells. "IT IS RAINING HERE TOO! YOU TRICKSY JERK! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ? YOU TRAITOR!" she runs back inside and stares at me, making a mental list of what important papers of mine she can rip up with her Denta-bone strengthened teeth.





almost entirely defeated, and not a little annoyed, i decide to toss my pride aside and try to go out with her so that she will not wake up later and wake me up.





i am wearing plaid pj pants. a bright blue hand made 'made in the shade' shirt. i put on rain boots. and an oversized black lexus jacket that was free from somwhere and happened to be nearby. grab my brothers blue and white golf umbrella. turn on the front the light and step outdoors.





that is the moment i lost all of my dignity.





sure that some neighbor is watching and calling up some mental health institution, i gently try to coax the dog outdoors. she stays put at first, but finally she obliges. since she looks unsure, i then try to logically explain the concept of an umbrella to this litttle white schnauzer. she paces the porch repeating her ' i just don't know about this...' mantra, clearly not listening to a word i was saying, and obviously not watching my sweeping gestures clarifying how she would not get wet. as i tried in vain to make her understand, she got more and more annoyed about how i wouldnt open the door for her (ha. i maintain dominance. score yet another point for opposable thumbs).





by the time i give up and open the door for her, she has already plotted out the exact moment that she is going to bark again right when i am about to fall asleep and precisely where she wants to pee on the floor.





i express my condolences to her and tell her there is nothing more i can do and that she must just go to sleep. and then i write this. it is time for me to sleep.





unfortunately i am a pathetic human being and my 20 pound , 13 yr old dog has instilled such a fear in me that i doubt i will be able to fall asleep.





i will just wait for that woof, i can almost hear it now.





i suddenly feel closer to edgar allan poe. thats the last time i read the tell tale heart in a thunderstorm.

and now i have to pee too.

sigh.

BEST MUSIC FEST EVER!

Well dear friends, perhaps you sometimes wonder what i do with my time as an unemployed waste of.....i mean...as an... in-demand .. talented ..freelance writer...

ahem

well. the answer to your inquiry is:

PLAN MUSIC FESTIVALS WITH THE ONE AND ONLY JOHN "I'M A GENIUS" DALY!

We decided we were fed up with these great music festivals spreading out all the artists we liked over the three days. We said, why not a "festival for the rest of us all"? damn. that works much better with "festivus for the rest of us". just go with it...

So that is what we did! tired of looking at lineups, sighing, and saying i wish this band and this band were playing on saturday with this band? tired of having to buy a ticket to see two bands, only to be forced to watch ten that you don't like? tired of me starting sentences with the word 'tired'?

well have i got a solution for you!

mr. daly and i have come up with what may be the greatest collection of musicians ever to join together. sure we'll have to sell no meat because morrissey will be there. yeah, we're going to have to get david bowie out of his semi- retirement. and of course we are going to have to pay coldplay whatever absurd amount they charge. but those things don't matter!

Because at this festival (still unnamed) , you can not only see bands you like; you can see bands John Daly and I like! HOW GREAT IS THAT? So if you want to be part of the greatest musical event of our time, just check out this line up, and line up your checks. because we need that cash, kids. music dont happen without money. mo' money mo' music, someone once said. and that someone was me.

Seriously though. we are going to do this. suggestions welcome. please address any letters to either myself or john daly. probably mr daly. he knows things. i just deal with the press and the adverts.

are you ready?

hold onto your hats, because

THIS LINEUP WILL BLOW YOUR MIND:

Day 1:

The Police

Foo Fighters

Incubus

Ray LaMontagne

Kings of Leon

Bloc Party

Swell Season

Andrew Bird

3rd Stage:

Fleet Foxes

Against Me!

Beirut

Fiction Plane

Boy Least Likely To

Ida Maria

Day 2:

David Bowie

Coldplay

John Mayer

Morrissey

Third Eye Blind

The Kooks

Bily Bragg

The Courteeners

3rd Stage:

MGMT

Johnny Flynn

Flogging Molly

OK GO

The Coral

Mumford and Sons

Day 3:

Bruce Springsteen

The Killers

Modest Mouse

Jimmy Eat World

Franz Ferdinand

Gaslight Anthem

The Fratellis

Gogol Bordello

3rd Stage:

Ben Harper and Relentless7

She and Him

Badly Drawn Boy

Ted Leo/RX

Bouncing Souls

Neil Halstead

there it is. you can stop your tears of joy. better yet. bottle them and we will send them to the artists as part of the payment. also, bring some baked goods. tears, brownies, and hugs. that is what music festivals are made of. and you , yes YOU! can be part of this too!

we are going to be an internet phenomenon.

cleaning house

So i decided it was finally time to clean my room. i have tried to organize it a little on and off since graduation. and now I have an article to write , which means i need a form of productive procrastination. bam. room cleaning time.
now let's just try to get a picture of what my room is like. there was still some stuff i had not put away since graduation. yes. from may. i have a load of magazines. i have papers everywhere. i have the amount of stuff that a packrat who has lived here for 17 years would normally accumulate.
plus more.

the cleaning was a process. several days. i grew weary. i longed for better times. the sweat and toil and papercuts. and oh the dust! it nearly drove me to insanity. but i pushed through. i persevered.

and here are some the gems i found along the way:

1. bendable rubber santa decoration
2. small paper mache santa
3. extension cord, extending to nothing
4. bunch o cards from graduation and various other events
5. a graduation card i made for tony dacosta and apparently never gave him. it's sealed.
6. cds I forgot about, including a lovely mix from colleen kennedy
7. the top of my dresser
8. my wax seal from Wales
9. five old batteries just waiting to explode
10. two new batteries that must have been given to me with my yearly hess truck
11. lyrics to an obscene rap song about 'hot dogs' that caroline and I cowrote on a piece of russ's 'martha stewart living' scrap paper while driving home from VT in october (perhaps to be posted at a later date after we have copyrighted everything and made millions)
12. lyrics to a song I penned on the back of a depressing bank statement in the height of Locust Valley Lockjaw’s (LVL's) career about what people walking by my car thought about my talking and singing to amuse myself while i waited forever for anita in the store.
(perhaps to be posted at a later date after i have copyrighted everything and made millions)
13. bunch of postcards I had bought over the past 2 years and meant to hang up
14. a free ad postcard we found at a bar in vienna that was printed with " I <3" and then someone wrote in 'Jeebus'
15. a book of matches from rubyfoos hidden under a big pile of papers
16. a pirates of the carribean gummy candy from sarahs bridal shower..oh a yeara and half ago
17. tea from said party. drinking that shit tonight bitches
18. two unidentifiable pills red and white pills (yeah i took em. whats it to you?)
19. so much change. oh coinstar here I come
20. a single metal hole punch. on it is written ‘presto –pat. pending’ manufactured in ill. Circa 1970 at the earliest. i am going to have to google it.
21. a website for lynne palmer executive recruitment- a print out from anita. that's in the trash
22. a red one of those excessively oversized pencils that says ‘fala the white house dog. Friend to FDR’ not sharpened of course. need these things in mint condition

i am afraid this is all i recorded on this strange and wonderful journey. but i will create an amendment if i recall anything else worth mentioning.

perhaps this glimpse into my life will convince you too to keep every unimportant thing you come across, knowing that one day you will need that wax seal for that old graduation card that you wrote with that oversized FDR pencil, punched a hole in with archaic office tools, right before washing down those unidentifiable pills with some old tea and no longer gummy gummy candy. you're gonna need that before you record those songs you wrote.

LVL FOREVER! WOO WOO

TV with Ray and Anita

If you are reading this blog, there is a decent chance you have had the unique experience of encountering Ray and Anita. Or you have at least seen them from afar. Surely, you have heard stories. These would be my parents. They are both kind of crazy. Generally Anita leads the way.

With that in mind, this story should be about Anita. But all her tv comments today were just during 24. She said things like ‘oh my god’ ‘oh no’ ‘oh I bet he is part of it too’ ‘what’s he gonna do shoot him’ ‘is he gone’ ‘is he dead’ ‘I knew that one was bad’ ‘(fill in possible line for an actor)’ ‘oh tell me when its over’ ‘oh my god.’ 'oh no.' etc .
So that’s less amusing.

Onto Ray! Here’s a quick background on Ray:

Ray has been Uncle Sam for every Halloween in the past ten years

Ray has been asked for his autograph before. People think he is Dick Van Dyke. He signed it. I am not sure if he wrote Ray Molski or Dick Van Dyke.

One time ray asked me a direct question, and then fell asleep in the 30 seconds it took me to answer. That was a sad day.

So, now that you feel more familiar with Ray and Anita, I shall continue onto my main focus. We all know I cannot fit even a day’s worth of crazy anita and ray stories into one blog post. However, today’s experience with the good old television has prompted me to at least bring up a few key points.

1. Ray is very judgmental of entertainment.
2. Ray thinks I am weird and isn’t afraid to say so.
3. Sometimes Ray has very good judgment.

Time: 7:30 pm, promptly after i dominated in jeopardy.

Upon seeing that there was a Hall and Oates concert on tv, I yelled at my brother and told him to go no further. How do you NOT watch a 2005 hall and oates concert where they sing only three of the songs they penned? instead choosing to fill out their concert with songs like ‘Ooh Child’ (not ‘ooocha’, as I had originally thought I heard them say)?
Well, halfway through a cover of some song I can’t remember, Ray just turns to me and Scott, without the slightest grin, and states simply and disdainfully: “This is ridiculous.”
And, before the song was even finished, added: ‘Some of these old guys should just go away.’ Whatever happened to solidarity, I ask?

When Hall and Oates finished swaying their way through that song, the next one started. At the exact same time, almost as though it were scripted, Scott yells:
‘PLAY YOUR GOOD SONG!’
while ray simultaneously states thoughtfully: ‘ oh THIS is a good song.”

Fickle, fickle father.

Now you might think it’s a fluke. That Ray can’t hate good entertainment. That he just didn’t like that song. that maybe he was just put off by john oates’ curly hair? or Daryl Hall’s uncanny resemblance to Richard Branson?

No, reader. Don’t try to lie to yourself. It won’t make you feel any better. And it will just make you a dishonest person.

For Ray also spent a good amount of time today getting all riled up about how awful 'The Little Shop of Horrors' was. He just kept saying – judgementally of course- ‘IT’S WEIRD.’ ‘ I can’t believe you actually watched that. we had to turn it off halfway through. there’s no way you could like it. it’s just so weird. you’re weird’

Just realizing that now, ray?

He did admit that Steve Martin was fantastic. So he hasn't gone crazy.

That being said, I fully support him in his mocking the commercial that came on for “The Tool Academy”. A few moments after the commercial ended, he just slowly turned to me and said: ‘Society should just fade away… It's getting so bad. There's no mystery anymore..."

Ray makes a stellar and poignant case. There really is no mystery any more.

OR IS THERE……?

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

i will never be on a game show

so if you have played wheel of fortune with me, you know i am better than most. it is sick. i have been called a savant before. but don't worry. i will never get on the show.
i was originally worried with the whole excitement factor. i have to get pretty excited to be vocal about it. so i was all set to fake the bubbly personality through auditions. i was going to clap and woo like you have never seen. that was if i am even randomly selected.
after taking the jeopardy test, and assuming i did poorly, i went to the wheel of fortune website to follow my true talents.this was even harder. here are some of the questions they asked me:

1. are you a teacher? no
2. do you have a pet? yes. dog (why is this relevant? do they have pet's week? the schnauzer and i wil dominate)
3 Are you a parent with at least one child between the ages of 10-17 who might be interested in playing on a special version of Family Week? (why didn't i have a kid at age 12??)
4. Are you an NFL fan? i said yes, because you have to say yes to one. then they ask you your favorite player.
5. Are you an NBA fan? i said no. i cant continue with the favorite player lies
6. Are you a WNBA fan? who is?
7.Are you an MLB fan? meh8. Are you in the Armed Forces? sorry
9. ARE YOU AN NASCAR FAN?? WHAT??? NO. and your game is about words. and sentences. AN nascar fan?? really???
10. ARE YOU AN COUNTRY MUSIC FAN?? WHY IS THIS BEING ASKED?? WHY DO YOU KEEP IMPROPERLY USING 'AN'?? will you not let me on your show because i am not from alabama? because i like top gear instead of nascar? because i know i could be a country singer tomorrow since it takes very little song writing and singing talent? is that why, wheel of fortune? IS THAT WHY??
11. ARE YOU FAN OF SOAP OPERAS? AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS RIDCULOUS. I AM GOING TO GO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE

but before that. if i could make a suggestion for your new screening process. how about questions like:
1. do you enjoy wheel of fortune? DO I EVER!
2. do you have a general knowledge of spelling? yes
3 are you good at the jumble and scrabble? no one is better at the jumble
4 can you clap and woo louder than anyone you know? WOO
5. have you been watching the wheel for upwards of 15 years? why yes i have!
6. have you tried to join the wheel watchers club several times only to the internet supposedly screw up and not let you do it? YES. how do you know this?
7 have you gotten numerous college age kids hooked on wheel of fortune and jeopardy? you bet your sweet bippy i have
and most importantly
8. have you ever written a journal entry as a child where you mentioned pat sajak, spelled his name properly, and refrained from commenting on how his head appears to be larger than a normal head to body ratio? READ IT AND WEEP

that's it wheel of fortune. if you dont pick me for your show. we are through

i was a child genius part II

I knew how to draw in a reader. here is the first entry of my school journal from the next year:

"9/16/94
I believe that
There were three wolves and a big bad pig.
I believe that because I like wolves more than I like pigs."

that's right suckas. you had it wrong all along. wolf haters.

"9/23/94
I’m sorry you guys could’nt come to the play because you would of loved the Scarecrow because he was so funny he kept falling down and you would of liked the wicked witch of the west. She looked and sounded so much like a real witch."

1. i still think falling down is funny
2. i am a witch expert. judging from all the real witches i had seen by the time i was 8, this one was pretty convincing.

"9/30/94
Dear Dino,
Pat Sajak called because you just won ten million dollars !
He said you have to go to California to claim it. I’m happy for you!"

proof i have watched wheel of fortune since i was at least 7. which is why i can school anyone in it. proof also that i was nuts.

"Oct 14, 1994 (the ‘o’ decorated as a ghost and the ‘c’ a pumpkin)
There is a hole in my den that leads to my cellar. So you could see if anyone was down there. Once I saw a shadowy figure. I figured out what it was it was the most horrible, most dreaded thing. It was my neighbor! He wanted to copy off all our toys .That’s my hole."

i just liked that one because it ended with 'that's my hole.'"

11/28/94
Rutabaga Rudy
I think the worst injury was a broken nose. I think that because at takes a very long time for fix a broken nose. I’m not even sure if you can fix a broken nose."

first of all, why is this called rutabaga rudy. second of all, what about getting shot in the face, lit on fire,and thrown down a flight of stairs?? not rough enough for you kid? nothing tops a broken nose?

"Dec 14, 1994
If I were Gretel I would put the witch in the refridgeirator and let her die. Then I would get Hansel and I would tell him I found riches. So Hansel could carry the riches and I would carry as much food as I can."
nothing has changed. all of my stories end with 'i would carry as much food as i can'. also notice how i insert the word 'fridge' into refrigerator

"DEC 22, 1994
The greatest gift I have to give is good behavior and love."

cheapskate. good for nothing kid. not even a card with my handprint on it? i think that's a little better than good behavior and love.

"Jan 6, 1995
In 1996 I hope that my family would be nice to each other and loads of other stuff and 5 dogs."

this is so sad. yet so perfect. halfway through i realize that i made a mistake in sharing personal information and so i casually added "annnnnd loads of other stuff.."and i am not joking about those '5 dogs'. i really want em. i dont care if anyone's nice. shut up.

"Jan 24, 1995
I would ask Oz for a brain. Because if I wished for a heart I wouldn’t know what it was for."

I prefer to read this in a debbie downer voice, as if this were a preview to present stacey 'morrissey fan' molski. unfortunately i think i was just being a smartass and saying that if i didn't have a brain i wouldn't have the knowledge to understand how to use my heart. punk.

But let's end with some uplifting 'get out of my face you dont know me' vibes:

"May 30, 1995
If everybody started wearing a new style clothes or hair That I didn’t like I would I wouldn’t wear it because I didn’t like it so I’d just ignore the people who wear it because they’d probably make fun of me because I wasn’t wearing it."

HA! take that you conformist fools!!

i was a child genius

(real posts, esp about travel are postponed until i get my real article done for work. i feel bad writing for fun when i should be writing for money)

when cleaning my room today, i found another box of old elementary school junk that we had kept in the attic. ( i went through a bunch of stuff and took photos of awesome projects, but they aren't on the comp. yet.) i just wanted to share some of these ridiculous gems, word for word. born in 86, mind, so these are when i was 7 or 8:

First page:

"November 18, 1993
My favorite thing to do in the whole world is to be a comidian and a teacher.I want to be a comidian because everybody thinks I am funny.I want to be a teacher because my brother toght me lots of stuff."

cleary he didn't 'toght' me enough.

original story:

"The Lost Dinosaur

Back when dinosaurs ruled the earth. There was a small herd of diplodocus. In the herd was a baby Diplodocus. They were walking a lot. So they stoped for a drink. The baby Diplodocus did’nt notice that the rest of the herd left for home! But suddenly! The baby diplodocus heard a loud ROAR! It was a Tyrannosaurus Rex! The baby Diplodocus was very frightend! Then the diplodoci came and rescued the baby. And they lived happily ever after.The End "

amendment: UNTIL THEY ALL DIED A TERRIBLE MASSIVE GROUP DEATH
also take note of the fact that i can spell tyrannosaurus and diplodocus, yet 'stopped' was too difficult for me. i told you i like dinosaurs. what you're really missing here is the AWESOME drawing. i am going to try and get that up here. i mean. it's awesome.

boy did little Stacey love standardized testing! :

“April 15, 1994All About the IowasThe Iowas is a test that you take in school. It is a very fun test. And it’s pretty long. They call it the Iowas because it came from Iowa. Can you belive it? a test named after it’s own state! The Iowas are easy. You start the Iowas in first grade. So when it’s your turn to take the Iowas you don’t have to be scared. I like the Iowas."

WHAT A LOSER. and this kid thinks she can be a comIdian?! fool.

and finally i would like to not that on may 3. 1994, as part of my note for mother's day. i told my mother i was going to buy her a car because she fed me and gave me cloths. at the bottom of the page I drew a picture of a red “jaguar XJ2twenty” to give to my mom. maybe that's why i watch top gear.hopefully i will get some of the sweet drawings up soon. there are so many dinosaur drawings. and what seems to be a short phase of hot air balloons