i was a child genius part II

I knew how to draw in a reader. here is the first entry of my school journal from the next year:

"9/16/94
I believe that
There were three wolves and a big bad pig.
I believe that because I like wolves more than I like pigs."

that's right suckas. you had it wrong all along. wolf haters.

"9/23/94
I’m sorry you guys could’nt come to the play because you would of loved the Scarecrow because he was so funny he kept falling down and you would of liked the wicked witch of the west. She looked and sounded so much like a real witch."

1. i still think falling down is funny
2. i am a witch expert. judging from all the real witches i had seen by the time i was 8, this one was pretty convincing.

"9/30/94
Dear Dino,
Pat Sajak called because you just won ten million dollars !
He said you have to go to California to claim it. I’m happy for you!"

proof i have watched wheel of fortune since i was at least 7. which is why i can school anyone in it. proof also that i was nuts.

"Oct 14, 1994 (the ‘o’ decorated as a ghost and the ‘c’ a pumpkin)
There is a hole in my den that leads to my cellar. So you could see if anyone was down there. Once I saw a shadowy figure. I figured out what it was it was the most horrible, most dreaded thing. It was my neighbor! He wanted to copy off all our toys .That’s my hole."

i just liked that one because it ended with 'that's my hole.'"

11/28/94
Rutabaga Rudy
I think the worst injury was a broken nose. I think that because at takes a very long time for fix a broken nose. I’m not even sure if you can fix a broken nose."

first of all, why is this called rutabaga rudy. second of all, what about getting shot in the face, lit on fire,and thrown down a flight of stairs?? not rough enough for you kid? nothing tops a broken nose?

"Dec 14, 1994
If I were Gretel I would put the witch in the refridgeirator and let her die. Then I would get Hansel and I would tell him I found riches. So Hansel could carry the riches and I would carry as much food as I can."
nothing has changed. all of my stories end with 'i would carry as much food as i can'. also notice how i insert the word 'fridge' into refrigerator

"DEC 22, 1994
The greatest gift I have to give is good behavior and love."

cheapskate. good for nothing kid. not even a card with my handprint on it? i think that's a little better than good behavior and love.

"Jan 6, 1995
In 1996 I hope that my family would be nice to each other and loads of other stuff and 5 dogs."

this is so sad. yet so perfect. halfway through i realize that i made a mistake in sharing personal information and so i casually added "annnnnd loads of other stuff.."and i am not joking about those '5 dogs'. i really want em. i dont care if anyone's nice. shut up.

"Jan 24, 1995
I would ask Oz for a brain. Because if I wished for a heart I wouldn’t know what it was for."

I prefer to read this in a debbie downer voice, as if this were a preview to present stacey 'morrissey fan' molski. unfortunately i think i was just being a smartass and saying that if i didn't have a brain i wouldn't have the knowledge to understand how to use my heart. punk.

But let's end with some uplifting 'get out of my face you dont know me' vibes:

"May 30, 1995
If everybody started wearing a new style clothes or hair That I didn’t like I would I wouldn’t wear it because I didn’t like it so I’d just ignore the people who wear it because they’d probably make fun of me because I wasn’t wearing it."

HA! take that you conformist fools!!