Tuesdays with Louie

I knew it from the moment i heard him utter those three little words:

"jerry springer ok?"

this was going to be a long and interesting wait here at R and S Strauss.

you see, my oil needed to be changed. badly. and i have an oil leak. but like my parents did, we can just ignore that for the time being until the leak just becomes a hole one day and my oil all leaks out causing my engine to shoot cylinders through my dashboard and into my face. at least that's what scott says will happen.

i was also informed that my oil was supposed to be changed oh you know 8 THOUSAND miles ago. but it's cool. no worries. i have a chevrolet malibu. and it can withstand all.

so i walk into the auto repair center, speak to the man at the counter requesting an oil change, and a tire rotation. i decided to just wait there instead of try to convince someone to drop me off and pick me up, since oil changes generally do not take that long.

that was my first mistake.

my second mistake was walking into the waiting room when there was only one other person there. so our choices were: sit awkwardly in silence for the duration, or create some form of small talk that then has to be kept up until someone is relieved by the auto worker telling them their car is ready.

this is when i met lou. he was the man sitting in the waiting room. lou was the one who asked me if jerry springer was ok. i, being pretty much british, just said yes of course, yes whatever you were watching is fine.

to which he replied oh you know i just .. it was just on when i turned on the tv you know. and i said its ok. i have a book.

he then informed me he had been there since 7am. it was now 1130am. i then informed myself after a thorough search of my purse, that i did not in fact have a book. oh dear.

the following hour and half was passed in deep discussion with Lou.

let me tell you a little bit about lou. he had 80s style glasses, was wearing a sweatsuit. overweight, but overall kind and jolly. lou is a cab driver in new jersey. lou likes puns. lou likes to tell dirty jokes and make racial slurs. lou also claims to have invented the three player chess board.

lou and i talked. we laughed. i cried. it was like a lifetime movie. except with way more dirty jokes

he started off slow. we discussed being a cab driver/ limo driver. lou asked me where i lived when i asked him if he had to pass some kind of test to be a cab driver. (the answer is no...cabbies here i come!) so i told him the street i lived on. i dont think you are supposed to do that. but its ok. lou's engine is smoking and his drivers side door won't open so he has to climb in the passenger side. therefore, lou would have a difficult time following me home and murdering me if that was in fact his intention. and i do not think it was. he was a nice guy. and did help pass the time.

he also told me several jokes. some dirty. some clean. apparently when passengers get in sometimes he says' do you like music?' and they say 'yeah!' and then he says 'too bad my radios broken.' OH SNAP . then he says ' nah i am joking. here is a cd picked out just for you. and then i take it out and show them yusuf islam and they are like who is that?

YUSUF ISLAM

NO WAY

this is when lou and i talked about cat stevens. he seemed very pleased that i was a huge cat stevens fan. then he told me about how he has a guitar and wishes he had it with him so he could play all the cat stevens songs he knew. then he sang a few bars and air guitared them just for the effect.

it was beautiful

later on lou told me that we are all made of stardust. i checked to see if we were smoking lots of pot at the time of this conversation. we weren't.

he told me about how he met jennifer connelly. and told me all the woes of inventing a three player chess board. someone once offered lout one thousand dollars for the plywood prototype. He is NOT joking! he makes that very clear.

then he showed me a picture of him and his friend and the guy who once played scotty on the old tv star trek all holding the tri chess board. he said he was trying to get it on tv as a prop. i said
scotty didnt like it? and he very sternly said, well he had not say in the matter. touchy subject. we moved on.

this time to a few dumb blonde jokes (i have a lot of dumb blonde jokes but i dont want to offend you, he says. i just respond with, well my hairs more light brown)

he tells me a joke i should tell my day (since i told him my dad also liked puns). for this joke he made me come closer to him because 'there's a black guy right there and i dont want him to hear it..' then he tells it. then says 'its not racist because i heard a black comic say it'

life lessons friends.

we moved onto tshirts. lou wants to make tshirts that play off the 'have a nice day' line.

here are just a few :
chinese restaurant- have a rice day
hockey players- have an ice day
gamblers- have a dice day
pizza shop- have a slice day
people who make soup (????) - have a spice day
cats (yes)- have a mice day

and oh so many more. then i mentioned scotts gangster themed tshirts. to which he responded 'maybe i should get your number in case me and my friend want to make shirts with you guys'

um.

problem

so i say. well i thikn scotts moved on to writing a movie. then luckily we got a new friend, ed.

ed had a great goatee with an amazing moustache. ed also had nice shoes. he was definitely a hippy at one point. he was also there for an oil change. soon lou talked to ed and introduced me to ed. then lou and ed talked about models and girls taking clothes off for a little.

ed then told a story about how he essentially insulted karen carpenter of the the carpenters by saying the new drummer is better than her. she was standing behind him and smacked him in the head and said thanks a lot. i liked that story better than the earlier one where the word playboy was dropped a few times.

lou decided he had to go to the bathroom, so it was me and ed. it was a little awtkward without lou actually. clearly he was the glue that held this group together and it wasnt going to be one of those things where i could hang out with ed without lou. which is a shame because ed is a really nice guy, we just couldnt find enough to talk about.

then i was saved as the guy at the counter called my name for my dismisall. i bid ed good luck and walked out of the waiting room. which almost felt like it had become my new home. it was bittersweet. i payed , signed the slip, wondering if lou would be back in time to tell me just one last dirty joke. i took one look back and walked out the door , never to see my two new best friends again. i just dont think anyone will ever tell me a joke about a nun being raped the way lou did...

and to think all i really had to do was drive to elizabeth to the dacosta car place, and hang out with tony dacosta for an hour. that would have probably been a better decision

but then how would i find out we were all made of stardust?