tornado watch? really nj?

" ITS RAININ' SIDEWAYS!"


I see it has been a while since i last posted. which is odd because i feel like i have had many many stories i have been meaning to write here. hopefully i will catch up. not to mention my ongoing quest of transcribing my journal from last years european adventure. but today i had an interest life experience. one of those things that really make you grow as a person i think. let me tell you this tale.

i wake up to my schnauzer alarm clock. it's been quite unbelievable lately. her internal clock is essentially lined up to wake me up 15 minutes before my internal clock and external alarm clock tell me its time to drag myself out of bed. at first i thought perhaps she just wanted to announce it was raining, but then when i stumbled downstairs all squinty eyed and yawny, she actually went outside when i opened the door. there was thunder and everything.. she was legit.

i then get ready, my lights flashing the whole time i am in the shower. i smartly (aka lazily) decided that it was not important to really dry my hair as it was raining and i might get wet (future insane understatement). i drive to work at brookdale, and decide against every instinct in me that i should choose to park close to my building on campus rather than park in the super far lot and be bribed by the free coffee they are handing out there to entice students and faculty to use that lot. parking is insane there. apparently community colleges are really on the rise. obama is all about it.

so .no free things. sigh. not that i really even like coffee that much. but i could have filled up my free mug with free coffee. so i park in the close lot, sorely missing my potential free potables... and then i close my door and go to get my umbrella. but whats this? oh! my window is down. all the way.

perhaps i should have told you. my car window is broken. it broke a few weeks ago, when pretty much everything in my life went wrong for a week. it just decided to not go back up. but it costs at least 200 dollars to fix because apparently they have to take apart the whole door. thats poor. thats just poor planning. i would have planned better. so since its breaking, you might catch me casually stepping out of my car, locking it, and then casually taking a Fonz like hand and giving the window a swift lift where it generally stays up until i start driving again (note: it is so stupid to lock it since all you have to do is poke the window and you can essentially walk into the big gaping hole that creates and steal all my cds, directions, atlases, strange wooden jewelry, pennies, pens that don't work, and library books...more on the strange things i keep in my car later. they'd have to pop the trunk to get to the oversized polyester khaki pants (not even mine), childrens coloring book, and bagged container of motor oil that i keep in a shoebox).

it's been slightly annoying driving with your window slowly rolling down on its own. particularly when you are driving to CT and throws off your hearing and does some weird helicopter noise type reverb that makes your head want to explode.

however, its a bit of a problem when it rolls down while in the parking lot of your workplace during a rainstorm. i'm sorry. thunderstorm. or as i will find out shortly thereafter in a text TORNADO WATCH. (WTF THIS IS NJ WHY WHY WHY.) i think, no problem. i'll just fonz it. so i shove it up and am about to 'heeeeyyyyy' when it just immediately slides back down. this happens three more times. balls. on the last try i manage to coerce it into staying up juuustt long enough for me to walk away from it going ' oh its staying up i fixed it out of my hands just ignore don't turn around don't look at just go inside'.

so i am slightly wet by the time i get into work. i am immediately told there are free bagels in the kitchen. i still get excited. which means everyone else gets so excited. they fight to see who can be the first to tell me when there is free food just so they can see my original excitement. but this was SERIOUS. i say NO i cannot eat this food now. there are real problems to be had. and of course they all stop what they are doing and get immediately overconcerned. like 'omg someone is hurt' concerned. because i didnt immediately run to the food. i think this tells a lot about me as a person.

they all band together to get me tape and they offer plastic. luckily i also keep one of those dress cover plastic bags in my trunk o fun, so i was all set. they wish me well and i go out into the storm.

the window was miraculously still up, that is, until i opened another door to try to fix it. down it slides. quite quickly acutally. so i just laughed. nearly maniacally. so i have my plan: tape the inside of the window on the top and sides so it stays up, then tape the plastic around the inside just in case. i take a lot of time to do all of this. and it looks quite beautiful and classy. then i get out the other back door being pretty proud of my awesome work. go around the other side, and see that the whole window has rolled down again.

balls.

this has to be done from the outside now. mind you it is literally raining sideways now. i didnt need ollie williams to tell me so.

so here i am trying to hold my umbrella, hold up this rather slippery window of death, hold the tape dispenser, rip the tape, and tape the window to the door frame, when some kid drives by with his stupid flat brimmed sideways yankees hat. he slows down, puts his blinker on, and starts to look at me like he is annoyed that i am not pulling out.

omg kid.

CLEARLY I AM NOT BACKING OUT. MY LIGHTS ARE NOT ON. MY CAR IS NOT ON. I AM NOT IN MY CAR. I AM PHYSICALLY HOLDING A WINDOW. I HAVE A HUGE TAPE DISPENSER HELD BETWEEN MY KNEES. I AM TRYING TO HOLD AN UMBRELLA IN MY ELBOW PIT. MY PLASTIC WINDOW IS BILLOWING IN THE POSSIBLE FUTURE TORNADO WINDS. GET OFF MY BACK.

so i just politely look up from my labors, politely smile, politely shake my head, and gesture with my tape dispenser, that despite what it looks like, i am not, in fact, leaving so he can have my spot.

just go to parking lot one, get your free coffee, and chill the eff out. OR GET OUT OF YOUR CAR AND HOLD THIS WINDOW.

he did not hold the window. but he did give me a dirty look when he left.

i manage to get this window back up with the use of patience, gentle hands, and and a lot of backing away slowly saying while silently encouraging the car.

by this point i have just abandoned the idea of the umbrella. i go back into the office and its like i just returned from the war. OH MY GOD people yell . WHAT HAPPENED to you? you are soaked!

i then inform them that is raining

but didnt you have an umbrella? why didnt you have an umbrella? look at you! why didn't you ask for help? frank would have helped you? i would have helped you! i got your back. you porr thing! your pants are soaked to the knees! did it work? how is it? oh my god. OH THE HUMANITY!

i sighed. wetly. pushed the dampened hair out of my eyeballs. squeaked my rain boots. 'i've done everything i can. it's all up to the window now. all we can do is wait.'

the room grew tense. they quieted down. they knew what i had to do.

i squish my way up the stairs. the wet pants slapping against my boots. my umbrella clicking as i drag it up the stairs dejectedly. i take off my trenchcoat feeling like i have just lost an epic battle, and drape it on my cubicle.

then i did the only thing i could do. i stumbled over to the staff kitchen and drowned my sorrows in free bagels. there wasn't much drowning left to do. i was very wet.

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BUT WAIT! unlike most of life, this story has a happy ending! i get back out to my car to find out that my repair job held up fantastically! and there was never a tornado! i even press my luck and decide to try to drive it over to the other building where the computer lab for my Desktop Publishing class is...and it stayed! isn't that great? oh wait. i still have to pay 200 dollars this weekend to get it fixed.

ok so it was an almost happy ending. at least the water didnt get it and make it all mildewy. then we'd have a repeat of the poor plymouth neon and the stench o death. more on that later.

i think we should all take a moment and marvel at the importance of windows that work. I bet this never would have happned in the neon. not when you physically crank the window up and down. sigh. i miss that little tyke.