i will never be on a game show

so if you have played wheel of fortune with me, you know i am better than most. it is sick. i have been called a savant before. but don't worry. i will never get on the show.
i was originally worried with the whole excitement factor. i have to get pretty excited to be vocal about it. so i was all set to fake the bubbly personality through auditions. i was going to clap and woo like you have never seen. that was if i am even randomly selected.
after taking the jeopardy test, and assuming i did poorly, i went to the wheel of fortune website to follow my true talents.this was even harder. here are some of the questions they asked me:

1. are you a teacher? no
2. do you have a pet? yes. dog (why is this relevant? do they have pet's week? the schnauzer and i wil dominate)
3 Are you a parent with at least one child between the ages of 10-17 who might be interested in playing on a special version of Family Week? (why didn't i have a kid at age 12??)
4. Are you an NFL fan? i said yes, because you have to say yes to one. then they ask you your favorite player.
5. Are you an NBA fan? i said no. i cant continue with the favorite player lies
6. Are you a WNBA fan? who is?
7.Are you an MLB fan? meh8. Are you in the Armed Forces? sorry
9. ARE YOU AN NASCAR FAN?? WHAT??? NO. and your game is about words. and sentences. AN nascar fan?? really???
10. ARE YOU AN COUNTRY MUSIC FAN?? WHY IS THIS BEING ASKED?? WHY DO YOU KEEP IMPROPERLY USING 'AN'?? will you not let me on your show because i am not from alabama? because i like top gear instead of nascar? because i know i could be a country singer tomorrow since it takes very little song writing and singing talent? is that why, wheel of fortune? IS THAT WHY??
11. ARE YOU FAN OF SOAP OPERAS? AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS RIDCULOUS. I AM GOING TO GO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE

but before that. if i could make a suggestion for your new screening process. how about questions like:
1. do you enjoy wheel of fortune? DO I EVER!
2. do you have a general knowledge of spelling? yes
3 are you good at the jumble and scrabble? no one is better at the jumble
4 can you clap and woo louder than anyone you know? WOO
5. have you been watching the wheel for upwards of 15 years? why yes i have!
6. have you tried to join the wheel watchers club several times only to the internet supposedly screw up and not let you do it? YES. how do you know this?
7 have you gotten numerous college age kids hooked on wheel of fortune and jeopardy? you bet your sweet bippy i have
and most importantly
8. have you ever written a journal entry as a child where you mentioned pat sajak, spelled his name properly, and refrained from commenting on how his head appears to be larger than a normal head to body ratio? READ IT AND WEEP

that's it wheel of fortune. if you dont pick me for your show. we are through