so if you have played wheel of fortune with me, you know i am better than most. it is sick. i have been called a savant before. but don't worry. i will never get on the show.
i was originally worried with the whole excitement factor. i have to get pretty excited to be vocal about it. so i was all set to fake the bubbly personality through auditions. i was going to clap and woo like you have never seen. that was if i am even randomly selected.
after taking the jeopardy test, and assuming i did poorly, i went to the wheel of fortune website to follow my true talents.this was even harder. here are some of the questions they asked me:
1. are you a teacher? no
2. do you have a pet? yes. dog (why is this relevant? do they have pet's week? the schnauzer and i wil dominate)
3 Are you a parent with at least one child between the ages of 10-17 who might be interested in playing on a special version of Family Week? (why didn't i have a kid at age 12??)
4. Are you an NFL fan? i said yes, because you have to say yes to one. then they ask you your favorite player.
5. Are you an NBA fan? i said no. i cant continue with the favorite player lies
6. Are you a WNBA fan? who is?
7.Are you an MLB fan? meh8. Are you in the Armed Forces? sorry
9. ARE YOU AN NASCAR FAN?? WHAT??? NO. and your game is about words. and sentences. AN nascar fan?? really???
10. ARE YOU AN COUNTRY MUSIC FAN?? WHY IS THIS BEING ASKED?? WHY DO YOU KEEP IMPROPERLY USING 'AN'?? will you not let me on your show because i am not from alabama? because i like top gear instead of nascar? because i know i could be a country singer tomorrow since it takes very little song writing and singing talent? is that why, wheel of fortune? IS THAT WHY??
11. ARE YOU FAN OF SOAP OPERAS? AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS RIDCULOUS. I AM GOING TO GO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE
but before that. if i could make a suggestion for your new screening process. how about questions like:
1. do you enjoy wheel of fortune? DO I EVER!
2. do you have a general knowledge of spelling? yes
3 are you good at the jumble and scrabble? no one is better at the jumble
4 can you clap and woo louder than anyone you know? WOO
5. have you been watching the wheel for upwards of 15 years? why yes i have!
6. have you tried to join the wheel watchers club several times only to the internet supposedly screw up and not let you do it? YES. how do you know this?
7 have you gotten numerous college age kids hooked on wheel of fortune and jeopardy? you bet your sweet bippy i have
and most importantly
8. have you ever written a journal entry as a child where you mentioned pat sajak, spelled his name properly, and refrained from commenting on how his head appears to be larger than a normal head to body ratio? READ IT AND WEEP
that's it wheel of fortune. if you dont pick me for your show. we are through
27.1.09
i was a child genius part II
I knew how to draw in a reader. here is the first entry of my school journal from the next year:
"9/16/94
I believe that
There were three wolves and a big bad pig.
I believe that because I like wolves more than I like pigs."
that's right suckas. you had it wrong all along. wolf haters.
"9/23/94
I’m sorry you guys could’nt come to the play because you would of loved the Scarecrow because he was so funny he kept falling down and you would of liked the wicked witch of the west. She looked and sounded so much like a real witch."
1. i still think falling down is funny
2. i am a witch expert. judging from all the real witches i had seen by the time i was 8, this one was pretty convincing.
"9/30/94
Dear Dino,
Pat Sajak called because you just won ten million dollars !
He said you have to go to California to claim it. I’m happy for you!"
proof i have watched wheel of fortune since i was at least 7. which is why i can school anyone in it. proof also that i was nuts.
"Oct 14, 1994 (the ‘o’ decorated as a ghost and the ‘c’ a pumpkin)
There is a hole in my den that leads to my cellar. So you could see if anyone was down there. Once I saw a shadowy figure. I figured out what it was it was the most horrible, most dreaded thing. It was my neighbor! He wanted to copy off all our toys .That’s my hole."
i just liked that one because it ended with 'that's my hole.'"
11/28/94
Rutabaga Rudy
I think the worst injury was a broken nose. I think that because at takes a very long time for fix a broken nose. I’m not even sure if you can fix a broken nose."
first of all, why is this called rutabaga rudy. second of all, what about getting shot in the face, lit on fire,and thrown down a flight of stairs?? not rough enough for you kid? nothing tops a broken nose?
"Dec 14, 1994
If I were Gretel I would put the witch in the refridgeirator and let her die. Then I would get Hansel and I would tell him I found riches. So Hansel could carry the riches and I would carry as much food as I can."
nothing has changed. all of my stories end with 'i would carry as much food as i can'. also notice how i insert the word 'fridge' into refrigerator
"DEC 22, 1994
The greatest gift I have to give is good behavior and love."
cheapskate. good for nothing kid. not even a card with my handprint on it? i think that's a little better than good behavior and love.
"Jan 6, 1995
In 1996 I hope that my family would be nice to each other and loads of other stuff and 5 dogs."
this is so sad. yet so perfect. halfway through i realize that i made a mistake in sharing personal information and so i casually added "annnnnd loads of other stuff.."and i am not joking about those '5 dogs'. i really want em. i dont care if anyone's nice. shut up.
"Jan 24, 1995
I would ask Oz for a brain. Because if I wished for a heart I wouldn’t know what it was for."
I prefer to read this in a debbie downer voice, as if this were a preview to present stacey 'morrissey fan' molski. unfortunately i think i was just being a smartass and saying that if i didn't have a brain i wouldn't have the knowledge to understand how to use my heart. punk.
But let's end with some uplifting 'get out of my face you dont know me' vibes:
"May 30, 1995
If everybody started wearing a new style clothes or hair That I didn’t like I would I wouldn’t wear it because I didn’t like it so I’d just ignore the people who wear it because they’d probably make fun of me because I wasn’t wearing it."
HA! take that you conformist fools!!
"9/16/94
I believe that
There were three wolves and a big bad pig.
I believe that because I like wolves more than I like pigs."
that's right suckas. you had it wrong all along. wolf haters.
"9/23/94
I’m sorry you guys could’nt come to the play because you would of loved the Scarecrow because he was so funny he kept falling down and you would of liked the wicked witch of the west. She looked and sounded so much like a real witch."
1. i still think falling down is funny
2. i am a witch expert. judging from all the real witches i had seen by the time i was 8, this one was pretty convincing.
"9/30/94
Dear Dino,
Pat Sajak called because you just won ten million dollars !
He said you have to go to California to claim it. I’m happy for you!"
proof i have watched wheel of fortune since i was at least 7. which is why i can school anyone in it. proof also that i was nuts.
"Oct 14, 1994 (the ‘o’ decorated as a ghost and the ‘c’ a pumpkin)
There is a hole in my den that leads to my cellar. So you could see if anyone was down there. Once I saw a shadowy figure. I figured out what it was it was the most horrible, most dreaded thing. It was my neighbor! He wanted to copy off all our toys .That’s my hole."
i just liked that one because it ended with 'that's my hole.'"
11/28/94
Rutabaga Rudy
I think the worst injury was a broken nose. I think that because at takes a very long time for fix a broken nose. I’m not even sure if you can fix a broken nose."
first of all, why is this called rutabaga rudy. second of all, what about getting shot in the face, lit on fire,and thrown down a flight of stairs?? not rough enough for you kid? nothing tops a broken nose?
"Dec 14, 1994
If I were Gretel I would put the witch in the refridgeirator and let her die. Then I would get Hansel and I would tell him I found riches. So Hansel could carry the riches and I would carry as much food as I can."
nothing has changed. all of my stories end with 'i would carry as much food as i can'. also notice how i insert the word 'fridge' into refrigerator
"DEC 22, 1994
The greatest gift I have to give is good behavior and love."
cheapskate. good for nothing kid. not even a card with my handprint on it? i think that's a little better than good behavior and love.
"Jan 6, 1995
In 1996 I hope that my family would be nice to each other and loads of other stuff and 5 dogs."
this is so sad. yet so perfect. halfway through i realize that i made a mistake in sharing personal information and so i casually added "annnnnd loads of other stuff.."and i am not joking about those '5 dogs'. i really want em. i dont care if anyone's nice. shut up.
"Jan 24, 1995
I would ask Oz for a brain. Because if I wished for a heart I wouldn’t know what it was for."
I prefer to read this in a debbie downer voice, as if this were a preview to present stacey 'morrissey fan' molski. unfortunately i think i was just being a smartass and saying that if i didn't have a brain i wouldn't have the knowledge to understand how to use my heart. punk.
But let's end with some uplifting 'get out of my face you dont know me' vibes:
"May 30, 1995
If everybody started wearing a new style clothes or hair That I didn’t like I would I wouldn’t wear it because I didn’t like it so I’d just ignore the people who wear it because they’d probably make fun of me because I wasn’t wearing it."
HA! take that you conformist fools!!
21.1.09
i was a child genius
(real posts, esp about travel are postponed until i get my real article done for work. i feel bad writing for fun when i should be writing for money)
when cleaning my room today, i found another box of old elementary school junk that we had kept in the attic. ( i went through a bunch of stuff and took photos of awesome projects, but they aren't on the comp. yet.) i just wanted to share some of these ridiculous gems, word for word. born in 86, mind, so these are when i was 7 or 8:
First page:
"November 18, 1993
My favorite thing to do in the whole world is to be a comidian and a teacher.I want to be a comidian because everybody thinks I am funny.I want to be a teacher because my brother toght me lots of stuff."
cleary he didn't 'toght' me enough.
original story:
"The Lost Dinosaur
Back when dinosaurs ruled the earth. There was a small herd of diplodocus. In the herd was a baby Diplodocus. They were walking a lot. So they stoped for a drink. The baby Diplodocus did’nt notice that the rest of the herd left for home! But suddenly! The baby diplodocus heard a loud ROAR! It was a Tyrannosaurus Rex! The baby Diplodocus was very frightend! Then the diplodoci came and rescued the baby. And they lived happily ever after.The End "
amendment: UNTIL THEY ALL DIED A TERRIBLE MASSIVE GROUP DEATH
also take note of the fact that i can spell tyrannosaurus and diplodocus, yet 'stopped' was too difficult for me. i told you i like dinosaurs. what you're really missing here is the AWESOME drawing. i am going to try and get that up here. i mean. it's awesome.
boy did little Stacey love standardized testing! :
“April 15, 1994All About the IowasThe Iowas is a test that you take in school. It is a very fun test. And it’s pretty long. They call it the Iowas because it came from Iowa. Can you belive it? a test named after it’s own state! The Iowas are easy. You start the Iowas in first grade. So when it’s your turn to take the Iowas you don’t have to be scared. I like the Iowas."
WHAT A LOSER. and this kid thinks she can be a comIdian?! fool.
and finally i would like to not that on may 3. 1994, as part of my note for mother's day. i told my mother i was going to buy her a car because she fed me and gave me cloths. at the bottom of the page I drew a picture of a red “jaguar XJ2twenty” to give to my mom. maybe that's why i watch top gear.hopefully i will get some of the sweet drawings up soon. there are so many dinosaur drawings. and what seems to be a short phase of hot air balloons
when cleaning my room today, i found another box of old elementary school junk that we had kept in the attic. ( i went through a bunch of stuff and took photos of awesome projects, but they aren't on the comp. yet.) i just wanted to share some of these ridiculous gems, word for word. born in 86, mind, so these are when i was 7 or 8:
First page:
"November 18, 1993
My favorite thing to do in the whole world is to be a comidian and a teacher.I want to be a comidian because everybody thinks I am funny.I want to be a teacher because my brother toght me lots of stuff."
cleary he didn't 'toght' me enough.
original story:
"The Lost Dinosaur
Back when dinosaurs ruled the earth. There was a small herd of diplodocus. In the herd was a baby Diplodocus. They were walking a lot. So they stoped for a drink. The baby Diplodocus did’nt notice that the rest of the herd left for home! But suddenly! The baby diplodocus heard a loud ROAR! It was a Tyrannosaurus Rex! The baby Diplodocus was very frightend! Then the diplodoci came and rescued the baby. And they lived happily ever after.The End "
amendment: UNTIL THEY ALL DIED A TERRIBLE MASSIVE GROUP DEATH
also take note of the fact that i can spell tyrannosaurus and diplodocus, yet 'stopped' was too difficult for me. i told you i like dinosaurs. what you're really missing here is the AWESOME drawing. i am going to try and get that up here. i mean. it's awesome.
boy did little Stacey love standardized testing! :
“April 15, 1994All About the IowasThe Iowas is a test that you take in school. It is a very fun test. And it’s pretty long. They call it the Iowas because it came from Iowa. Can you belive it? a test named after it’s own state! The Iowas are easy. You start the Iowas in first grade. So when it’s your turn to take the Iowas you don’t have to be scared. I like the Iowas."
WHAT A LOSER. and this kid thinks she can be a comIdian?! fool.
and finally i would like to not that on may 3. 1994, as part of my note for mother's day. i told my mother i was going to buy her a car because she fed me and gave me cloths. at the bottom of the page I drew a picture of a red “jaguar XJ2twenty” to give to my mom. maybe that's why i watch top gear.hopefully i will get some of the sweet drawings up soon. there are so many dinosaur drawings. and what seems to be a short phase of hot air balloons
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