friday night at the molskis

Odd Happenings from friday evening:

precursor to the story:
If you know grandpa tony giglio at all, you may know of his garage. Sometimes gramps brings us random gifts, most from the garage. One day he gave me a birdcage music box that did not work. Another day, vintage free batman comics that I believe were an extra from burger king meals. Sometimes its just old books or ancient plumbing tools.granted sometimes its candy and wonderful things.
Usually I thoroughly enjoy all of these, but one of these gifts was different. .. scary actually. he gifted us two creepy fairy lawn ornament sculptures. One is sitting cross legged and raising her arms all the way, wings spread. The other is doing something equally odd that I don’t recall. Both are terrifying. I assure you.
Scott has kept them on the steps of the basement. They frighten me every time I try to go downstairs to get toilet paper or art supplies. I think they might be possessed. And the following just strengthens my worries:

(Scratch scratch scratch)
“what is that noise? Is that the dog? “ – anita
“is she ripping something?” – scott
“oh maybe”
“hmm.. maybe she’s attacking the fairy”- scott
though joking, scott went to investigate. He walks slowly into the foyer. Looks at her and walks back with the news:
“yes. She is definitely attacking the fairy. She is scratching it. I think she is going crazy. Snowie are you going crazy? Yes? Yes. She is going crazy. I think sometimes she goes crazy”- scott says all of this, looking somewhat crazy himself.
I walk over, pat her on the head, and say “good dog”. I knew something was wrong with those creepy fairies. And I am glad my trusty watch-schnauzer is trying to slap their concrete fairy grins off their creepy fairy faces. I think it will be a long and drawn out battle. ten minutes later we hear telltale scratching.
‘she’s attacking the fairy again.”

I tried to take a photo, but alas it was too dark. she's a good, smart dog. and those fairies are the devil. I think I should have put those things outside. I bet she will wake up and flip out and try to eat it and then she will need to go to the bathroom in the rain. If you ever read this blog, you know how she feels about rain. That’s just a whole other dilemma.


Since we are speaking of rain. And by we I mean I . and by speaking I mean writing....

Today my brother and I were upstairs looking out a window. Why we were in the same room standing next to each other looking out the same window, I cannot recall. However, that is the setting, so that’s how it must be.
scott looked out the window first and casually said 'hey is that part of our house?" the same unaffected tone you would use for ‘hey do you know what’s for dinner?”
I took this as a cue to look around, using the context clues from the question of course. I look down on the lawn and see what appears to be a large chunk of siding.
I consider it for a moment. Then i simply state "yes. Yes it is"
unconcerned silence for a minutes..
“shall we go investigate?” -scott asks
“yes. Yes we shall”
I was already wet from heroically saving the tomato plant that had been knocked over (“but its so hearty!”) so I just slapped on some flip flops and headed out.

We looked at the siding shrapnel. said yup. Siding. Then started a new fun game called ‘ where did this piece of a house come from?’ Some of the rules are determining whether or not to be concerned, get a bucket, get a tarp, or cry. We scanned the house. it took a while to find it… but i won. “ HA! There it is! I win! Big chunk over my room of course. How lovely. And potentially moist.”
First of all, it's all mangled and looks like a giant just got pissed at us and ripped it off for some people beating. Then upon seeing some kind of hornets or spiders nest ( OMG THAT’S WHERE THEY ALL COME FROM) he uttered a big giant eeeeeww and tossed it away rapidly in digust as though it were full of bees and spiders ( WHICH IT PROBABLY WAS).

When I decided finally that this was most likely not the case, I move onto my second, much more likely theory. Someone simpy seized the day. They carpe diemed, if you will.

“AH HA!” thinks vengeful neighbor, “ a crazy end of the world storm! What a perfect way to get rid of my strange mangled pointy nailed bit of siding. Instead of taking it to the dump I am going to run through the raindrops and toss it on the molski’s lawn. That little white dog has barked at me one too many times. I think that dog might be crazy.sometimes she goes crazy. And I cannot believe they put those effin creepy fairy statues out. Right after they got rid of the old gutted Porsche that was tied to a tree in the backyard. WELL. THIS will show em."

(heave. Clunk.)

"Now they will go crazy spending hours trying to find where this piece came from. After circling the house 54 times pulling their hair out, they will then give up, deem the house structurally unsound and unfit to live in, and take that yappy dog and move away!”

Unfortunately I think the real reason this happened was cause it was windy. I know that seems like a very outlandish explanation, but I hope you can use the imagination to stretch it.

Also regarding rain and stretching. boy my segues are awesome. almost as awesome as the segway that is the silly personal transporatation device.

Ray was discussing how scary the storm that he drove through to get dinner was. We said we were worried and were going to call, but we knew he wouldn’t have his cell phone. Since he never does. Everyone in the following conversation is entirely straight faced, deadpan and serious.

Scott tries to reason with ray for safety reasons, and proposes this scenario:
"what if you got hit by lightening and couldn't get out of the car? you should bring a cell phone."

Well ray has that figured out : "i would jump out the window,” he says.

Scott looks at him in slightly concerned disbelief, and presses him further:."you really think you're going to leap out of the car? you?" scott asks incredulously.

without even pausing to think, ray simply states: “I would dive out. Yes." and then he finishes up with
‘”so you fall on your face and mess it up. oh well. I would dive out of that car”.

There it is folks. Next time the circus is in town keep an eye out for 'old man' ray ‘ car diver’ molski

also just found that there was some sort of hoax about jeff goldblums death. Thank god I was too busy to notice it til its already been fixed. NOT FUNNY WORLD

Tuesdays with Louie

I knew it from the moment i heard him utter those three little words:

"jerry springer ok?"

this was going to be a long and interesting wait here at R and S Strauss.

you see, my oil needed to be changed. badly. and i have an oil leak. but like my parents did, we can just ignore that for the time being until the leak just becomes a hole one day and my oil all leaks out causing my engine to shoot cylinders through my dashboard and into my face. at least that's what scott says will happen.

i was also informed that my oil was supposed to be changed oh you know 8 THOUSAND miles ago. but it's cool. no worries. i have a chevrolet malibu. and it can withstand all.

so i walk into the auto repair center, speak to the man at the counter requesting an oil change, and a tire rotation. i decided to just wait there instead of try to convince someone to drop me off and pick me up, since oil changes generally do not take that long.

that was my first mistake.

my second mistake was walking into the waiting room when there was only one other person there. so our choices were: sit awkwardly in silence for the duration, or create some form of small talk that then has to be kept up until someone is relieved by the auto worker telling them their car is ready.

this is when i met lou. he was the man sitting in the waiting room. lou was the one who asked me if jerry springer was ok. i, being pretty much british, just said yes of course, yes whatever you were watching is fine.

to which he replied oh you know i just .. it was just on when i turned on the tv you know. and i said its ok. i have a book.

he then informed me he had been there since 7am. it was now 1130am. i then informed myself after a thorough search of my purse, that i did not in fact have a book. oh dear.

the following hour and half was passed in deep discussion with Lou.

let me tell you a little bit about lou. he had 80s style glasses, was wearing a sweatsuit. overweight, but overall kind and jolly. lou is a cab driver in new jersey. lou likes puns. lou likes to tell dirty jokes and make racial slurs. lou also claims to have invented the three player chess board.

lou and i talked. we laughed. i cried. it was like a lifetime movie. except with way more dirty jokes

he started off slow. we discussed being a cab driver/ limo driver. lou asked me where i lived when i asked him if he had to pass some kind of test to be a cab driver. (the answer is no...cabbies here i come!) so i told him the street i lived on. i dont think you are supposed to do that. but its ok. lou's engine is smoking and his drivers side door won't open so he has to climb in the passenger side. therefore, lou would have a difficult time following me home and murdering me if that was in fact his intention. and i do not think it was. he was a nice guy. and did help pass the time.

he also told me several jokes. some dirty. some clean. apparently when passengers get in sometimes he says' do you like music?' and they say 'yeah!' and then he says 'too bad my radios broken.' OH SNAP . then he says ' nah i am joking. here is a cd picked out just for you. and then i take it out and show them yusuf islam and they are like who is that?

YUSUF ISLAM

NO WAY

this is when lou and i talked about cat stevens. he seemed very pleased that i was a huge cat stevens fan. then he told me about how he has a guitar and wishes he had it with him so he could play all the cat stevens songs he knew. then he sang a few bars and air guitared them just for the effect.

it was beautiful

later on lou told me that we are all made of stardust. i checked to see if we were smoking lots of pot at the time of this conversation. we weren't.

he told me about how he met jennifer connelly. and told me all the woes of inventing a three player chess board. someone once offered lout one thousand dollars for the plywood prototype. He is NOT joking! he makes that very clear.

then he showed me a picture of him and his friend and the guy who once played scotty on the old tv star trek all holding the tri chess board. he said he was trying to get it on tv as a prop. i said
scotty didnt like it? and he very sternly said, well he had not say in the matter. touchy subject. we moved on.

this time to a few dumb blonde jokes (i have a lot of dumb blonde jokes but i dont want to offend you, he says. i just respond with, well my hairs more light brown)

he tells me a joke i should tell my day (since i told him my dad also liked puns). for this joke he made me come closer to him because 'there's a black guy right there and i dont want him to hear it..' then he tells it. then says 'its not racist because i heard a black comic say it'

life lessons friends.

we moved onto tshirts. lou wants to make tshirts that play off the 'have a nice day' line.

here are just a few :
chinese restaurant- have a rice day
hockey players- have an ice day
gamblers- have a dice day
pizza shop- have a slice day
people who make soup (????) - have a spice day
cats (yes)- have a mice day

and oh so many more. then i mentioned scotts gangster themed tshirts. to which he responded 'maybe i should get your number in case me and my friend want to make shirts with you guys'

um.

problem

so i say. well i thikn scotts moved on to writing a movie. then luckily we got a new friend, ed.

ed had a great goatee with an amazing moustache. ed also had nice shoes. he was definitely a hippy at one point. he was also there for an oil change. soon lou talked to ed and introduced me to ed. then lou and ed talked about models and girls taking clothes off for a little.

ed then told a story about how he essentially insulted karen carpenter of the the carpenters by saying the new drummer is better than her. she was standing behind him and smacked him in the head and said thanks a lot. i liked that story better than the earlier one where the word playboy was dropped a few times.

lou decided he had to go to the bathroom, so it was me and ed. it was a little awtkward without lou actually. clearly he was the glue that held this group together and it wasnt going to be one of those things where i could hang out with ed without lou. which is a shame because ed is a really nice guy, we just couldnt find enough to talk about.

then i was saved as the guy at the counter called my name for my dismisall. i bid ed good luck and walked out of the waiting room. which almost felt like it had become my new home. it was bittersweet. i payed , signed the slip, wondering if lou would be back in time to tell me just one last dirty joke. i took one look back and walked out the door , never to see my two new best friends again. i just dont think anyone will ever tell me a joke about a nun being raped the way lou did...

and to think all i really had to do was drive to elizabeth to the dacosta car place, and hang out with tony dacosta for an hour. that would have probably been a better decision

but then how would i find out we were all made of stardust?