The world's overpopulated anyway...

I have come to a fairly disheartening realization today.

I have always said that I don't want kids, though i also always said i might change my mind later on if i got married to some wonderful, witty British man 15 years my senior. (I don't think we have to worry about that as a probable turn of events). However, in the past couple of weeks I have spent bits of time with various adorable, charming, interesting, children. Fascinating little people they are. For some reason, for the first time in...well..ever...i have decided that i actually DO want to have some babies of my own at some point. The children i saw just lit up the room, and their parents looked so happy, happier than i'd ever seen them. So just as this joyous life decision has been made, i come to realize that i should not ever have children. Or pets for that matter.

You see, i am not nearly a responsible enough person to be fully in charge of the health, happiness, and safety of another living creature. I just can't stomach it. Everyone says "oh you'd be surprised what you can do for you children." That may be. But i know i love my dog more than most humans or animals in the world. It's not a child, but it is similar in that if she's hurt she can't tell me why, and i have to know what to do and be able to do it.

Today i had to bring my dog to the vet. Generally one of parents does this because i get queasy around medicine, but today no one could but me. Turns out she has some sort of cyst that was infected. The doctor, a very nice man, took her to another room dealt with the issue and brought her back out to me, fresh wound and all. I wanted to throw up. I felt bad for her, but i wanted to throw up. I want to throw up right now thinking about it. These things are just not things i can deal with. It was, and is, terribly disgusting. We have since put one of those oft mocked cones around her head so she can't bother it. She has never looked sadder. For my schnauzer is proud. Prouder than most little white dogs in the world.
I think we may have broken her soul.

Now she may have to get this thing surgically removed. I can't make decisions like this. I can't go sit with her in the office when she goes under. I love her but i can't do these things. What if i had a kid? It's the same deal. If my kid has some disease where it is getting sick all over the place, i will literally not be able to deal with it because i will get sick. And a terrible chain reaction will occur. If my kid needs a needle, what i am going to do? hold it's hand, smile, and tell it when its over? no i will be freaking out in the corner because i can't look at needles.

This is ridiculous. I am ridiculous. But i know this won't change. I can't handle taking care of a dog on my own; how am i ever going to take care of a tiny human being? This is a bit upsetting to admit to myself now that i have decided i want kids, but i suppose the world is overpopulated anyway...