ah so it is has been a while. and i certainly have better stories to write about. but i am in the mood to write now. so i shall speak with you about the importance of considering a dog's views on precipitation if you are going to be purchasing one.
for example. i have read that schnauzers tend to love snow and hate rain.
what a silly fact, you think. why put that in any dog book? all anyone needs to know is if the new dog will eat your babies or smother you with smelly doggy kisses, right?
WRONG. you are so wrong. i can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are.
sure princess snowflake von molski is a barrel of laughs and a snout full of snow in the winter. but what happens when it becomes springtime? when the rain falls at the rate of my allergy-induced sneezes?
well then she becomes totally irrational. a crazed creature who holds her pee until 11 pm. you try to let her out before you go upstairs. she refuses politely at the time. you then go upstairs and prepare for bed. the minute your head hits the pillow, she woofs once. you freeze. too nervous to even breathe. she woofs annoyingly for a while. where after each woof, she pauses long enough for you to think, 'ah ok she's calmed down. no cause for concern here,' only to woof again louder and more urgently each time to startle you out of your false sense of woof-free security.
so , you, being the responsible dog owner you are ( and being one averse to ear splitting schnauzy barks), get out of bed and go downstairs to try to placate the beast.
'hello snowie. it's raining,' you inform her. she looks at you like you just slapped her in the nose, 'wha??' she mouths, dejectedly, 'that can't be right. i don't believe you. let me see this for myself, you tall dolt'. 'yes of course, princess von molski,' you reply worriedly, knowing the wrath that would ensue.
then you slowly open the door, and allow her a glimpse. you see a gentle rain on a spring evening. the schnauzer sees her life flash before her eyes as she stares into this horrific, watery, windy HELL. "MY GOD!," she seems to say. " OH THE HUMANITY!" she mutters under her schnauzer-y beard (don't mention the beard, it insults her femininity) . "THIS CANNOT BE!" she peaks her head out, gets splashed with some watery shrapnel, turns and runs, without looking back.
"fine." i say. "i tried snowie. there is nothing i can do for you now. you are out of luck. this is why you should have peed earlier. remember this. i am going to sleep"
"yes yes ,fine whatever" says the little white dog, shaking her head as if it would erase the horrors she had just seen. (more on my theory of etch-a-sketch based brains in canines later).
only after i go upstairs and lay down again, does she realize, ' oh my god i am a dog and i have to pee so bad and i have to pee outside.' she elucidates this to me by clearing her throat and stating ' woof.'
since you are a light sleeper, you trudge down the stairs again, determined once and for all to make her face her fears so you can sleep. 'hello again, little dog' you say all squinty eyed with slight contempt, and less slight sleepiness. 'let's get this done bitch.' (no no. dont worry. its not profanity. its truth. vocab you see). she closes her eyes, sighs, and agrees. she then lifts her eyebrows and looks at me, then at the door 'i'm ready,' she states. you then open the door and give an encouraging, yet frantic ' GO GO GO GO GO GO' in hopes that she will get so confused and pumped up that she will just run into the rain before she knew what hit her. unfortunately, she figured out very quickly what hit her. and she said " RAIN. OMG' and ran back inside and woofed as if this were my fault.
aha! i think. i shall fool her by letting her out the front door. she wont understand. she'll be so excited about the new territory that surely she will go to the bathroom. 'snowie! want to go out the front? oh wow it will be ever so much fun! you can see if anyone else is out there and maybe bark at them! and you can smell things! and you can pee everywhere and then go to sleep!'
her brown eyes light up: ' the front! yeah! super cool!' she runs out, practically skipping, then skids to a halt right before going down the porch steps. "waait a minute... THIS IS A TRICK!" she yells. "IT IS RAINING HERE TOO! YOU TRICKSY JERK! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ? YOU TRAITOR!" she runs back inside and stares at me, making a mental list of what important papers of mine she can rip up with her Denta-bone strengthened teeth.
almost entirely defeated, and not a little annoyed, i decide to toss my pride aside and try to go out with her so that she will not wake up later and wake me up.
i am wearing plaid pj pants. a bright blue hand made 'made in the shade' shirt. i put on rain boots. and an oversized black lexus jacket that was free from somwhere and happened to be nearby. grab my brothers blue and white golf umbrella. turn on the front the light and step outdoors.
that is the moment i lost all of my dignity.
sure that some neighbor is watching and calling up some mental health institution, i gently try to coax the dog outdoors. she stays put at first, but finally she obliges. since she looks unsure, i then try to logically explain the concept of an umbrella to this litttle white schnauzer. she paces the porch repeating her ' i just don't know about this...' mantra, clearly not listening to a word i was saying, and obviously not watching my sweeping gestures clarifying how she would not get wet. as i tried in vain to make her understand, she got more and more annoyed about how i wouldnt open the door for her (ha. i maintain dominance. score yet another point for opposable thumbs).
by the time i give up and open the door for her, she has already plotted out the exact moment that she is going to bark again right when i am about to fall asleep and precisely where she wants to pee on the floor.
i express my condolences to her and tell her there is nothing more i can do and that she must just go to sleep. and then i write this. it is time for me to sleep.
unfortunately i am a pathetic human being and my 20 pound , 13 yr old dog has instilled such a fear in me that i doubt i will be able to fall asleep.
i will just wait for that woof, i can almost hear it now.
i suddenly feel closer to edgar allan poe. thats the last time i read the tell tale heart in a thunderstorm.
and now i have to pee too.
sigh.
