let's get serious for a moment

Let’s just get some things straight from the start.

 I’m cynical. I’m sarcastic. I’m self-deprecating. I can’t find a full time job. I live with my parents. I just got kicked off my health insurance. I listen to Morrissey. I listen to Morrissey in the dark. Alone. I have no idea what I want to do in life. I have always had more than a bit of a death wish. I’ve only had one real, actual, L-word boyfriend in my entire life.  I dislike a large population of the world.  I have no real marketable skills. My brother calls me 'girl' and 'fatty' (granted he is joking). My mom tells me to wear make-up, take my glasses off, and do something with my hair (she is not joking). My dad has let a stranger into my room while I was still in bed so that he could ‘clean the vents’( i don't think he understands that is unacceptable). My grandma tells me to use those weird fake hair things you put over a bun, and when I say no, she asks me ‘why don’t you ever want to do anything that will make you beautiful?’

And I am sort of ok with all of this. Yeah, some of it sucks. But all of it is a part of me. So I am ok with it.

That all might upset some people. At some point it may have upset me. but now I just think it’s funny. So when my grandma (who also used to call me a ‘skin-head’ every time I put my hair in a ponytail...not sure if she understands the neo-nazi connotations..) said this. I just laughed and jokingly said ‘but grandma, aren’t I always beautiful? Isn’t that what you should be saying?’

Let’s just say I think grandma learned a lesson that day, and got more than a little sheepish.

Now I am strange young lady. I think it’s fair to say that whether you like me or not. But I am lucky enough to call some of the best people in the world my friends. I truly think these people are going to be the ones to change the world. If it can even change (threw some cynicism in there so you don’t get too worried about me).

 Ever since I was young, I have always been pretty ok with myself for some inexplicable reason. I know, this kind of boggles my mind, too. I  don't recall ever really getting picked on, despite my lanky, disproportionate, monkey limbs. (Luckily, I took dance lessons from when I was 2-10 or I am sure my motions would be even more akin to a baby giraffe learning how to walk.) I got along with everyone. I was good friends with the nerds, the jocks, the theatre geeks, the popular kids, the weird kids. I was all of that.  Oh. And I was nice to people.

The only time I was ever in my life honestly concerned about what other people thought of me was when it came down to whether or not I was “pretty.” But my issue with that is absolutely nothing compared to what girls go through today.

As stated before, I am lucky enough to have an absolutely unfair amount of phenomenal people in my life. These great friends have no qualms telling me how great they think I am (i still don’t get it, but whatever). And they tell me I am beautiful, which was always, and still kind of is, hard for me to accept, but I think that the aforementioned sole l-word ex-boyfriend finally tipped the scale of my stubborn disbelief. So I sort of accept this to be true. Sort of. It's the best we're going to do.

Now the reason I am telling you all of this is not just to further my egotistical wishes in thinking that you want to know things about me that make you uncomfortable.

No. It is because something happened the other day that just flipped a switch in me.

I was talking to a coworker who mentioned that her ten year old daughter, who is absolutely going to be a supermodel, continually asks if she is fat. This same girl has friends who already have eating disorders. The conversations these girls have focus around who is skinny and who is not. Best friends will tell their best friend explicitly and hurtfully that they are not skinny.

Oh my god, holy hell, wtf and all things of nature.

That certainly doesn’t sound like my best friends.

My friends are people who create, participate, and strengthen groups that start discussions about body image, self-esteem, and love . My friends are people who raise awareness about domestic abuse and women's health issues  My friends are people who create installations to promote awareness of climate change . My friends are nice to people.

Like I said. If anyone can save the world (and I sure hope someone can, cause it won’t be me), it’s these people.

My coworker asked if I could perhaps come speak to their girl scout troupe or help them develop an activity for these girls to help their self-esteem, help them love themselves and each other. Now normally I am not a soap-boxy, feministy, save the worldy, activisty type of person, but I think it’s probably about time I stop whining about things and try to do something. Well, I mean, let’s be honest, I’ll keeping whining, it’s what I do best. You should hear my whiny voice if you haven’t already. But I do want to do something. And not just for girls. One thing that bothers me is that people seem to focus only on girls. Boys - and men - have these exact same problems and I bet it is even harder for them to deal with since they should be ‘strong’ and ‘tough’ and all those other stupid words that mean ‘don’t talk about your feelings.’ That’s dumb. Real men talk about their feelings. Those are the only ones I am interested in. Men should get the same attention women do when it comes to self-image and self-esteem. 

Like I said, I want to do something. So I will.  Even if it’s tiny and only affects ten girls. It’s something. If anyone wants to help me, please do. All I know is that when I was ten I was worried about how I could draw better cartoons, how not to gloat when I continually dominated as Yoshi in Mario kart, how to increase the velocity of a sled down my front yard, and where my next donut was coming from. These girls should be not worried about being ugly or fat (as long as they are healthy). The paranoia created by today’s society just makes me want to throw up and truly makes me scared for the future. These girls should not be worried about whether or not they are beautiful. No one should. You shouldn’t. They are beautiful and so are you.

Please see the following links for further reading:

dove's campaign for real beauty 

dove's eye-opening 'evolution' ad

operationbeautiful.com people who go around sticking post-its with inspirational messages in places where it is needed most : bathroom mirrors, inside self-help books, etc. I am going to start doing this and I encourage you to do the same. It may actually save someone’s life.

www.givesmehope.com like fml but for nice things. I was really hating the world these past few days. had fights with family about gay rights, read about h&m destroying clothes while homeless people went without coats, and then heard about these girls. I was pissed. I hated the world and everyone in it. but this made me feel a little better

 www.postsecret.com a forum where anyone can unburden themselves.

http://www.twloha.com/vision - a non-profit dedicated to raise awareness of depression, addiction, and suicide.

photographer zed nelson's somewhat graphic photos and commentary concerning body image entitled, ‘love me’

And if all of this was too serious for you, I do apologize, but I sincerely thank you for reading. Please stay tuned for more of everyone’s favorite crazy light hearted stories about my life and the crazy things I see and experience. And of course, my crazy little white dog and little white haired parents.

new year, new posts

i have decided that i really would like to post in here more. and possibly try to write some actual pieces that i will encourage strangers to check out, instead of just rambling to my friends who might hear these stories in person anyway. SELF INDULGENCE IS AWESOME. i have high hopes for developing a nice egotistical website where i can display posts from this blog, my travel blogs (most travel will be put in a different section than this blog; including my transcribed journal from last year's trip. work begins on that soon), my paintings, drawings, sculpture, t-shirt designs, random graphic design, and if i ever learn how.. then web design will also be displayed through the creation of the site itself. once i put some more time into web design i want to try to figure out how to make my own template for this blog, but until then i just changed some colors.

with this decision means that i need to be WAY more disciplined about writing and designing when i say i will. hopefully i can do that. i will have less classes, only one this time :typography. and i am going to be spending much of my free time on my new goal of SERIOUSLY finding a job and moving to nyc.

you may have noticed, i decided to begin with a name change.

i love morrissey. and his words. but it's time for me to use my own. i think he would prefer it that way. i would quote a line here about using your own words from a wonderful smiths song called frankly mr shankly, but i do believe the irony would be painful.

so youtube that song. or go to grooveshark.com. i have been pushing that site to everyone i know. its fantastic.

anyway. back to business. own words.

thus, the new title, a phrase i think only i have used:

nobody likes a dullard

hopefully i can at least maintain a level where i will not be considered dull. if you do find me dull, i encourage you all to not like me.

tea-rex tea-shirt

my first t-shirt design. i would appreciate it if you'd check it out and tell your friends. that is, as long as your friends like dinosaurs, handlebar moustaches, tea, england, monocles, top hats, pocket watches, awesomeness, and me. if not, you dont have to tell them.

fun translations and new restaurants

pparently there is a new asian restaurant coming to a place near me, and they sent us their menu/flyer detailing their grand opening (10% off!). and all of their thai food has meat. literally every single dish. that is not the spirit of thai food. but more importantly, some key phrases. things they want you to definitely know.


"We use microwave containers for you take out Convenience"

convenience is very important.

right above this they also have the letters MSG inside a red circle with a slash through it. no MSG here. and then an awesome graphic on either a boy or a girl in a tiny tiny car holding up a rotary telephone that does not plug into anything. i am not sure what that is supposed to convey. perhaps they also have androgynous hooligans selling hot antiquated electronics out of the trunks of clown cars. in which case. i am there.

but the best part ever is their little tagline:

"Good New! We Severs Fine Asian Food in Ocean Township over 10 Years. Now We Invited to Open Branch in Lincrofe to Happy Sever Community."


new is good! and its fine that you are sever asian food. you gotta cut food before you can eat it. but wait? where's lincrofe? perhaps they mean lincroft. and you are happy to SEVER THE COMMUNITY? is that a threat? or a drive towards civil war? i am not sure. it makes me nervous.

what i do know is that no matter what their flyer says i guarantee i will eat there.
if i can find a non meat dish..

socks hate wooden stairs

socks are the devil
and uncarpeted stairs are the devil

we all keep saying, oh we should carpet the stairs so snowie doesnt slip. fair enough. she slips a lot if she tries to go upstairs. so she pretty mcuh stopped going upstairs. granted shes not supposed to be ther e in the first place. but i have to go upstairs. and downstairs.

its the down thats usually the problem if you recall my ankle sprain in england. anyway. i am not having a good day.

i was trying to get ready to settle down and do all the hw i have since thurs is really my olnly free day. for this i need all my books and my laptop

so thats how i fell down the stairs while carring my laptop and a bag full of books. apparently when you wear socks on wooden stairs you sign a contact allowing you to fall on many bony parts of your body and have your dog mock you.

so i fall. hard. let's remember i am tall, and this was a slip fall, thus my feet were just gone all of the sudden, and i was carrying a laptop. that's expensive. and we know i dont drop things if i am falling. so i held on as i fell. it froze, but seems to working fine. (though perhaps i should remember in the future that hospital bills are probably more expensive than anything i might drop)

so here i am clutching a laptop lying motionless on the floor in pain and the thenres snowie. she is a little peeved at my sudden appearance on the rug she sleeps on. she may very well have been sleeping at the time i so rudely and inconsiderately loudly slammed myself down in her hallway, disturbing her rest.

she had least had the common decency to feign concern by woofing once and sniffing my face about 5 minutes into my lying there. my eyes were squeezed shut as i do when i silently repeat 'ow' in my head until the ouch goes away for the most part, so i could see the smug look on her face when she decided she had had enough of my dramatics. and when i say dramatics i mean my lying there not making noise or moving. not terribly dramatic actually.

so she decides i am not dead. then she stops sniffing. and she literally kicks me in the face. not once. no. twice. kicks me. my own dog. kicks me while i am down. she then leaves the room and woofs loudly so she can go out in the rain and then whine some more to me about how its raining.

i hate my life.

on the cat-walk

Today i had a very moving experience. It was one of those things that for some reason you just feel like you have to share with everyone. like every person in the world should experience this and you wish you could all experience it together. perhaps in a perfect world this is what would happen, but as we know my life does not constitute perfect. or worldly.

Here's what happened:

I had a Dr's appointment today. they called me yesterday to inform me i had this appointment. BUT when i called last week because they simply stopped refilling my prescription (that's generally their kind and courteous way of telling me it's time for another appointment), they mentioned nothing of the sort. in fact, i was told that since i hadn't been there since 08, i must schedule a new appointment, the earliest being oct 16. she also preceded this with 'well of course they wont refill it. you haven't been here since 08. i guess you need an appointment . but you're NOT GOING TO LIKE IT." (wtf?) i 'd also like to point out that this is medicine i have been taking for like 5 years, so really, what do they think has changed? they just want my 90 bucks (thanks for not taking health insurance!). so then she schedules me for this one, and proceeds to call me to remind me of an appt i apparently already had scheduled. unfortunately i had work and class and did not find this out til post 5pm. so i had to call in work and say i was goingto be late or these people were going to charge me for the appt anyway and blah blah.

i was annoyed.

but i went. because i need me some drugs. the doctor's great. just his administrative people are less than stellar. but anyway. the whole ordeal left me annoyed. BUT WAIT.

here's the interesting part of what happened:

i go to walk out the main door of the building only to find that i might hit a woman with the door. so i slowly open it and say excuse me. lady turns around to look at me and my eyes look from her eyes to her hand to the leash she was holding to the HUGE CAT ON THE LEASH.

let's talk about this. I say excuse me to woman. woman mumbles something seemingly friendly. i cannot ignore the fact that this short ish, mid 40s woman is holding a leash that is attached to a collar that is around the neck of a fat fat fatty cat. in a parking lot. outside an office building.

how did this woman come to be here? why is this cat tolerating the fact that it is leashed? i did not think cats stood for that sort of shenangins.

seeing as i cannot just ignore this ..this .. miracle? is that what it is? i just don't know what else i could call it. So i say ' my! what a well-trained cat! i've never seen a cat on a leash before. i didn't know they would tolerate it'. to which my new friend replied by telling me the cat was 15 years old. i am not sure if that was supposed to be an answer to my comment, or simply a fun fact.

all of this was done while i was still moving and walking away towards my car. by the time i get to my car i see her strolling this cat over to what is presumably her friend's/ family member's/lover's car. but now she is weaving through the parked cars slowly, and SINGING to her cat. i am not sure what. but she is roving through a big parking lot, cat on a leash, singing.

america.

that right there is just the heart and soul of america. and i am honored to have been part of it. i wish them well. they seemed like a nice, if slightly unique, pair.

as i explained previously, this was a moment i felt i needed to share. and if you were so lucky (or unlucky depending on how much you like or dislike my asinine commentary on life) you may have recieved a text message about this beautiful moment.

here are some of my replies that i think are quite telling of both me and the content of many of these blog posts, i hope the author's don't mind:

Tony: " :) your life has so many bright spots"
Simone: "hahaha thats great, you always run into the best people"
Jenn : "I wish you were actually being taped for candid camera in that moment so i could see the look on your face when she began to sing. or just looking at the cat"
Danielle: "Dear lord, thats amazing. Only could happen in your life though"

clearly my friends agree that things like this happen to me in order to somehow improve my life. fate. glorious glorious cat on a leash fate.



video: apparently lots of people put cats on leashes. wtf cats. you should all be ashamed.

tornado watch? really nj?

" ITS RAININ' SIDEWAYS!"


I see it has been a while since i last posted. which is odd because i feel like i have had many many stories i have been meaning to write here. hopefully i will catch up. not to mention my ongoing quest of transcribing my journal from last years european adventure. but today i had an interest life experience. one of those things that really make you grow as a person i think. let me tell you this tale.

i wake up to my schnauzer alarm clock. it's been quite unbelievable lately. her internal clock is essentially lined up to wake me up 15 minutes before my internal clock and external alarm clock tell me its time to drag myself out of bed. at first i thought perhaps she just wanted to announce it was raining, but then when i stumbled downstairs all squinty eyed and yawny, she actually went outside when i opened the door. there was thunder and everything.. she was legit.

i then get ready, my lights flashing the whole time i am in the shower. i smartly (aka lazily) decided that it was not important to really dry my hair as it was raining and i might get wet (future insane understatement). i drive to work at brookdale, and decide against every instinct in me that i should choose to park close to my building on campus rather than park in the super far lot and be bribed by the free coffee they are handing out there to entice students and faculty to use that lot. parking is insane there. apparently community colleges are really on the rise. obama is all about it.

so .no free things. sigh. not that i really even like coffee that much. but i could have filled up my free mug with free coffee. so i park in the close lot, sorely missing my potential free potables... and then i close my door and go to get my umbrella. but whats this? oh! my window is down. all the way.

perhaps i should have told you. my car window is broken. it broke a few weeks ago, when pretty much everything in my life went wrong for a week. it just decided to not go back up. but it costs at least 200 dollars to fix because apparently they have to take apart the whole door. thats poor. thats just poor planning. i would have planned better. so since its breaking, you might catch me casually stepping out of my car, locking it, and then casually taking a Fonz like hand and giving the window a swift lift where it generally stays up until i start driving again (note: it is so stupid to lock it since all you have to do is poke the window and you can essentially walk into the big gaping hole that creates and steal all my cds, directions, atlases, strange wooden jewelry, pennies, pens that don't work, and library books...more on the strange things i keep in my car later. they'd have to pop the trunk to get to the oversized polyester khaki pants (not even mine), childrens coloring book, and bagged container of motor oil that i keep in a shoebox).

it's been slightly annoying driving with your window slowly rolling down on its own. particularly when you are driving to CT and throws off your hearing and does some weird helicopter noise type reverb that makes your head want to explode.

however, its a bit of a problem when it rolls down while in the parking lot of your workplace during a rainstorm. i'm sorry. thunderstorm. or as i will find out shortly thereafter in a text TORNADO WATCH. (WTF THIS IS NJ WHY WHY WHY.) i think, no problem. i'll just fonz it. so i shove it up and am about to 'heeeeyyyyy' when it just immediately slides back down. this happens three more times. balls. on the last try i manage to coerce it into staying up juuustt long enough for me to walk away from it going ' oh its staying up i fixed it out of my hands just ignore don't turn around don't look at just go inside'.

so i am slightly wet by the time i get into work. i am immediately told there are free bagels in the kitchen. i still get excited. which means everyone else gets so excited. they fight to see who can be the first to tell me when there is free food just so they can see my original excitement. but this was SERIOUS. i say NO i cannot eat this food now. there are real problems to be had. and of course they all stop what they are doing and get immediately overconcerned. like 'omg someone is hurt' concerned. because i didnt immediately run to the food. i think this tells a lot about me as a person.

they all band together to get me tape and they offer plastic. luckily i also keep one of those dress cover plastic bags in my trunk o fun, so i was all set. they wish me well and i go out into the storm.

the window was miraculously still up, that is, until i opened another door to try to fix it. down it slides. quite quickly acutally. so i just laughed. nearly maniacally. so i have my plan: tape the inside of the window on the top and sides so it stays up, then tape the plastic around the inside just in case. i take a lot of time to do all of this. and it looks quite beautiful and classy. then i get out the other back door being pretty proud of my awesome work. go around the other side, and see that the whole window has rolled down again.

balls.

this has to be done from the outside now. mind you it is literally raining sideways now. i didnt need ollie williams to tell me so.

so here i am trying to hold my umbrella, hold up this rather slippery window of death, hold the tape dispenser, rip the tape, and tape the window to the door frame, when some kid drives by with his stupid flat brimmed sideways yankees hat. he slows down, puts his blinker on, and starts to look at me like he is annoyed that i am not pulling out.

omg kid.

CLEARLY I AM NOT BACKING OUT. MY LIGHTS ARE NOT ON. MY CAR IS NOT ON. I AM NOT IN MY CAR. I AM PHYSICALLY HOLDING A WINDOW. I HAVE A HUGE TAPE DISPENSER HELD BETWEEN MY KNEES. I AM TRYING TO HOLD AN UMBRELLA IN MY ELBOW PIT. MY PLASTIC WINDOW IS BILLOWING IN THE POSSIBLE FUTURE TORNADO WINDS. GET OFF MY BACK.

so i just politely look up from my labors, politely smile, politely shake my head, and gesture with my tape dispenser, that despite what it looks like, i am not, in fact, leaving so he can have my spot.

just go to parking lot one, get your free coffee, and chill the eff out. OR GET OUT OF YOUR CAR AND HOLD THIS WINDOW.

he did not hold the window. but he did give me a dirty look when he left.

i manage to get this window back up with the use of patience, gentle hands, and and a lot of backing away slowly saying while silently encouraging the car.

by this point i have just abandoned the idea of the umbrella. i go back into the office and its like i just returned from the war. OH MY GOD people yell . WHAT HAPPENED to you? you are soaked!

i then inform them that is raining

but didnt you have an umbrella? why didnt you have an umbrella? look at you! why didn't you ask for help? frank would have helped you? i would have helped you! i got your back. you porr thing! your pants are soaked to the knees! did it work? how is it? oh my god. OH THE HUMANITY!

i sighed. wetly. pushed the dampened hair out of my eyeballs. squeaked my rain boots. 'i've done everything i can. it's all up to the window now. all we can do is wait.'

the room grew tense. they quieted down. they knew what i had to do.

i squish my way up the stairs. the wet pants slapping against my boots. my umbrella clicking as i drag it up the stairs dejectedly. i take off my trenchcoat feeling like i have just lost an epic battle, and drape it on my cubicle.

then i did the only thing i could do. i stumbled over to the staff kitchen and drowned my sorrows in free bagels. there wasn't much drowning left to do. i was very wet.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
BUT WAIT! unlike most of life, this story has a happy ending! i get back out to my car to find out that my repair job held up fantastically! and there was never a tornado! i even press my luck and decide to try to drive it over to the other building where the computer lab for my Desktop Publishing class is...and it stayed! isn't that great? oh wait. i still have to pay 200 dollars this weekend to get it fixed.

ok so it was an almost happy ending. at least the water didnt get it and make it all mildewy. then we'd have a repeat of the poor plymouth neon and the stench o death. more on that later.

i think we should all take a moment and marvel at the importance of windows that work. I bet this never would have happned in the neon. not when you physically crank the window up and down. sigh. i miss that little tyke.